Christina Brandt

It’s time for the Joy Dieters book group to work on Chapter Five of The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck.. This week’s topic is RISK. Martha writes:

“Experience has taught me that the way to a joyful life is always fraught with fear, that to find it you must follow your heart’s desires right through the inevitable terrors that arise to hold you back.  If you don’t do this, your life will be shaped by fear, rather than love, and I guarantee, the shape will be narrow and tiny compared with your best destiny.“

Before I left my last corporate job three and a half years ago, I was afraid that I might not make enough money at coaching and would have to try something else.  Guess what?  I still worry about that.  But it’s three and a half years later, and I’m still a coach with her own business.

Fear’s definitely a companion in my everyday life, but I recognize it for what it is – a motivator, and just a feeling.  I don’t think I’ll die from feeling fear.    Had I stayed in my corporate job, my life would have been a lot less interesting and I would have missed out on a lot of growth.

As one of Martha’s clients says, “How could I possibly lose as much by trying as I did by refusing to try?  What’s safe about not being who you were meant to be?“  Yup, I can totally relate!

What aren’t you trying?

It’s time for the Joy Dieters book group to work on Chapter Four of The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck.. This week’s topic is CREATIVITY. Martha writes:

“Even if you never go near the arts, you are creating away like mad every single day, working in the medium of experience itself.  Actions, objects, words, gestures – literally anything you influence by your choices becomes part of your creation.  Every time you voice your thoughts to a loved one, or cook a meal, or choose a new bar of soap for the dish by your bathtub, you are creating a modification in space or time that would never have existed without you.  Whether consciously or unconsciously, you have more power to create your own life than anyone or anything else.”

What are you creating for yourself today?

It’s time for the Joy Dieters book group to work on Chapter Three of The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck.. This week’s topic is DESIRE.

Funny thing, Desire. It’s not always about lust and sex, not that those things aren’t fabulous. In the context of a joyful life, though, we’re talking about yearning.  Not just wanting, but yearning.

I want a beach house.  What I yearn for is to feel air on my face, to smell the iodine-y/salty smell of the ocean air, and to feel sand between my toes.  Do I need to have a beach house to experience what I yearn for?  Nope.

This may seem like an overly simplistic example, but the point I’m trying to make is that when we start looking for our right lives and careers, we often have a hard time articulating what will really, truly bring us joy.  On the surface, the things we want appear to be what will make us happy.  When we dig deeper, however, and ask the “and then what?” question, sometimes we’re surprised by the responses.

In my beach house example, the “and then what” exploration might lead me to realize “and then I’d have two mortgages,” or “and then I’d have to drive every weekend in traffic,” or it might lead to “and then I’d sit on the beach and read.”  Hell, I can sit on the beach and read without owning a house and having a mortgage.  Maybe I don’t need the house – just the fresh air experience, which I can get in a variety of other ways:

1. rent a house
2. go to a hotel on the beach
3. while sitting on my sofa, imagine the air’s smell, the feel of the breeze, etc.

My point is this:  knowing the difference between a want and a desire can make a world of difference in the choices we make, and the steps we take.  If I’d actually bought the beach house, I might have come to resent the “shackled” feeling of the financial burden, commute, etc.  But, when I fulfill my yearning (air, breeze, etc.) I feel free.

Once you feel the sense of freedom of having defined the yearning, you can set the intention of achieving it.  If doubt creeps in, remind yourself that you’re very likely to achieve this desire in a roundabout way, when you’re not even paying attention.  Just focus on the intention of achieving what you’re after, and let the magic happen.  It always does.   (And if it doesn’t, go back to the Desire Question:  What Do I Yearn For?)

Daily OM (www.dailyom.com) has been sending me a Rumi poem each day for almost a year now.  Lately, they’re really resonating with me.  Here’s one that reminds me of the questions I so often ask my clients:  “What’s perfect about this moment?” and “ What is this here to teach you?”

Suffering is a treasure, for it conceals mercies;
The almond becomes fresh when you peel off the rind.
O my brother, staying in a cold dark place
And bearing patiently the grief, weakness, and pain
Is the Source of Life and the cup of Abandon!
The heights are found only in the depths of abasement;
Spring is hidden in autumn, and autumn pregnant with spring.
Flee neither; be the friend of Grief, accept desolation,
Hunt for the life that springs from the death of yourself.

- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi

A wise therapist once said to me “Suffing is optional.”  Even when it seems as though it’s not, we’ve always got a choice in how to feel about it.   It’s sad to lose someone you love, for example.  Grieving the loss is important and necessary.  Leaning into the grief, rather than fighting it, allows you to eventually be at peace.

When you tell stories about the loss, however, you may be creating unnecessary suffering.  “I should have been there when he or she died,” or “I didn’t do enough for them,” or “He’ll never know how much I cared” are all examples of  “dirty” pain – pain that’s caused by our thoughts and not by the actual loss we’ve experienced.

When we fight the reality of the circumstances at hand, we cause ourselves unnecessary suffering, too.  If you hear yourself starting a sentence with any of the following phrases, be alert:

• I (or they) shouldn’t
• I (or they) should
• I can’t
• I have to

There’s usually a lie coming, fast and furious.  When we believe that we or others have to, should, can’t, or shouldn’t do something – instead of believing that we/they choose to, or choose not to, we create  a state of powerlessness.  That’s a great way to choose suffering…if you want to! 

My “Joy Dieters” book group is busy working on Chapter Two of The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck..  This week’s topic is TRUTH. If you’re like most people (me included), you believe that you’re basically an honest person.  Sure, there’s the occasional white lie to be polite, or maybe you’ll pay a compliment you don’t necessarily mean.

When you dig deeper, however, you’re likely to find that you’re often telling yourself some pretty big whoppers. Do any of these ring a bell?  “I’m not thin enough.”  “I don’t make enough money.”  “I’ll never find a job I love.”  “My husband should be neater.”  “She ought to stop criticizing me.”

Lies, every last one. How do I know?  Because they’re arguments about what should or shouldn’t be the case, rather than an acknowledgment of what is.  When we tell ourselves a story about our circumstances that isn’t true, we feel like crap.  If we lie often enough, we shut down our capacity to fully experience joy and harmony. Here’s how Martha suggests we begin to examine truth on a daily basis:

• Sit quietly for 15 minutes and do nothing.
• Ask yourself:  What am I feeling?
• Ask yourself:  What hurts?
• Ask yourself:  What is the painful story I’m telling?
• Ask yourself:  Can I be sure my painful story is true?
• Ask yourself:  Is my painful story working?
• Ask yourself:  Can I think of another story that might work better?
• Treat yourself with compassion

Learning to uncover the stories you tell yourself about your circumstances is the best way to find freedom and joy. On a MUCH lighter note, here’s what she had to say to the “joy dieters”:

Gotta love Martha; she’s a hoot!

I recently came across this poem by the Sufi poet, Jalal-ud Din Rumi:

The New Moon

Love, the new moon, grows slowly, stage by stage;

We should progress like that, deliberately, with patience.

I hear the new moon whispering, “Impatient fool!”

It is only step by step you climb to the roof.

Be a seasoned cook, let the pot boil little by little;

A stew cooked in mad haste tastes terrible.

I couldn’t help but think, “Wow, that Rumi dude sure knows what he’s talkin’ about!”  How often are we so eager for results that we don’t stop to savor the journey?  When does impatience creep into your life, creating annoyance with the step by step approach of making what’s next in your life, what matters?

Where in your life are you cooking a terrible, hasty stew?

Tomorrow evening marks the first of 10 meetings with my coaching book group. We’re reading The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck. Beck outlines her “Ten Ingredients for Joy,” and our group’s working on adding each ingredient, week by week, into our lives with the intent of creating more joy.

Week One’s focus is on Nothing.  That’s right – nothing.  As in Nothing Doing.  Or, better said, doing nothing.  The first step to creating a more joyful life is to do absolutely nothing for 15 minutes a day.   Start by being inaccessible to everyone except yourself.  Step away from every electronic, human or animal distraction.  Then, sit still.

If that seems utterly inconceivable, you can move, but move in a repetitive way.  Jog, swim, use a stationary bike…but don’t read or watch t.v. while doing so.

If you need something to look at, stare at a fireplace, or the waves at the beach.  Something with natural movement.

Then, notice all the thoughts that go flying through your mind.  Don’t get all judgy about having them; just watch and keep breathing.  Creating space between our thoughts and action will help create an underlying calm that allows you to hear the whisper…yup, I’m gettin’ a bit woo woo here…of your soul.  And people, when we finally give our souls some room to breathe, fabulous things happen.  Slowly at first, but more steadily as we practice Nothing Doing.

As for me,  I’ve struggled a bit with this one.  Sitting still, with no distractions, takes some getting used to.  Since 15 minutes felt like an eternity, I thought I’d break this one down into smaller chunks and started with 5 minutes at a time.  I set the microwave’s timer, sat on the sofa, and noticed my foot wiggling, thought of all the things I wasn’t getting done, and got mad at myself for not doing it right.

I’m getting better, though. I can now sit for 10 minutes, and sometimes I even feel sad when the timer goes off.  This Nothing Doing ritual is a work in progress, just like me.

Are you into Nothing Doing?  How’s it working for you?

When I start working with a new client, I ask them to dedicate a notebook or journal for our work together.  We often create homework assignments that they’ll do between sessions, and some involve working with their journals.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this sentence:  “But I hate journaling.”    I’m always fascinated by this response, and being the coach that I am, I dig deeper.  Explanations run from “I’ve got nothing to say,” to “I don’t like to write,” and “I don’t want to put  my feelings on paper.”

My response is “So what?”  Who said anything about feelings?  Who says you have to even write?  Why not draw instead?  Or cut stuff out of magazines and paste it in there?  What about making a gratitude list?  Or, as one client does, a “mantra list.”  She copies quotations she likes, and other sentences she feels will keep her on track.

The great thing about journals is that they’re uniquely ours – deeply personal pages devoted to anything we’d like,  and they’re for us alone.  I encourage clients to be as fun, silly, stupid, wild, crazy, mean, funky, childish (or any other adjective) as they’d like, as long as they find a way to express themselves.  Once most get into it, they don’t stop. Creative self-expression is the best way I know how to create the beginnings of satisfaction in both our personal and professional lives.

Here’s a video from Fast Company’s site that beautifully explains the benefits of journals.   Enjoy!

I’ve been frustrated lately with how little I’m getting done.  I’m tired and just want to slow down and read a book in the middle of the day, but feeling the need to push on because reading doesn’t pay the bills.

In one of my unproductive moments, Martha Beck’s blog post, Yellow is Gold, popped into my inbox.  I read it, thinking that every item on her bulleted list applied to me.  So, I curled up on the sofa and read a book.   And of course, I found several things in the book that inspired me, giving me some great ideas for workshops and future blog posts.

Since Martha said it best, I’ll just add this:  Ditto.