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During the Martha Beck life coach training process, coach “cadets” are told that they should “be willing to suck at it,” the premise being that the only way to get better at something is to start, screw up, stand up, do it again, and keep learning from your mistakes.
My fellow master coach, Meadow DeVor, has written a great post about what she’s learned from her mistakes. 10 Things I’ve Learned by @#$%ing Up is a helluva read – rock on, Meadow!
I’m notoriously bad when it comes to cooking starches. I find it really hard to believe that rice will increase in size so much that the little bit I put into the water will be enough to feed me. Same goes for pasta. I’m constantly throwing in “just a little bit more to be safe” and then ending up with a huge bowl of the stuff once it’s cooked.
Last night, during the Peaceful Finances teleclass, I was telling the group about one of Lynne Twist’s Toxic Myths of Scarcity: More is better. If we believe this myth, we run around accumulating more than we’ll ever need – more shoes, bags, paper, books, money, etc. We’re driven by consumption and greed, not stopping to enjoy what we already have.
And then we’re complaining about the clutter in our lives, unable to find peace. When we remove the stuff, or better yet, stop bringing in anything we don’t absolutely need, we feel better.
It’s sometimes hard, though, to trust that there will be enough. That little bit of rice will really make enough to feed me? That pasta’s going to fill my belly? Not working in a corporate environment with a steady paycheck and benefits is still going to allow me to have a good life?
If you’re afraid to change from the “more is better” mindset, start slowly. Instead of half a box of pasta, toss in a third. You’ll still have leftovers, but less than you did before. Then, think of another area in which you could do with just a little less and see how it feels.
For me, beginning to trust that there will always be enough has been an ongoing journey. I’m willing to keep “less-ifying” because it feels freer than being overstuffed – with food, with things, and with weight. “Less is more” feels a lot more peaceful to me than “More is better,” so I’m gonna keep going.
Maybe someday soon there won’t be any leftovers when I cook pasta.
I’m happy to have been included in an article called “Taking the First Step: Overcoming Excuses to Get Where You Want to Be” in Healthy Life CT magazine.
I’ve been on another clearing jag, probably the result of the programs I’ve been teaching about living spaces. I want my home to accurately reflect my essential self, to be clutter-free, and to be filled only with what I truly love, need and use.
That’s how I stumbled upon a ruler I’ve had since the third grade. Yup, that upside-down peace sign you see here was written by yours truly at age 7, along with the following: “NO using for anyone but me!!!!!!” I was a bossy little kid who apparently didn’t want to share. Thankfully, I’m (mostly) a lot less bossy now, but I kept the ruler to remind myself not to go there.
I’m still obsessed with the peace sign, though I haven’t give much thought to why. Back then, I cut one out of felt and sewed it, by hand, onto my fringed felt drawsting handbag. (It went really well with the striped bell bottoms and fringed vest.) But I sewed it on upside down, so the inside of the circle looked like a “Y.” I’ve tossed old notebooks and photos, and that upside-down peace sign appears in a lot of places. What the heck? Why didn’t anyone tell me I was doing it wrong? I was telling my friend, Tex Ann, about this and she said
She’s onto something! I’m certainly not the first person to believe that world peace begins within each of us, but you don’t often hear coaches refer to themselves as peacemakers. Yet giving people the tools to create peace in their lives and careers is at the core of everything I do.
Everything – our relationships, careers, homes, spirituality, etc. – is affected by our peaceful energy, or lack thereof. Where in your life are you feeling anything less than peace? Use the Life Wheel tool (download it free from my home page) to see where your satisfaction could be higher. Consider using the results to help you create some 2011 goals – think of a few small steps you can take to up the joy, and peace, in your life.
Think about it: if everyone took a few steps to create more peace in their own world, we’d collectively create a hell of a leap for mankind. And, it’d make “world peace” more than a casually-stated throwaway line used in comedies about beauty pageants.
As for me, I’m making it my Word of The Year (unless, of course, I come up with two or three, as I did in 2010). I’m setting the intention that I will ask myself “How does this bring me or others peace?” in every situation. If there’s no peace to be found there, I will set it aside, and I will help my clients do the same. I wish you a peace-full 2011.
How many of you out there say to yourselves, as you’re driving up to a red light “It’s time to apply pressure with my right foot to the pedal that’s next to the gas pedal.” Probably none of you, unless you’re a brand new driver, in which case we thank you for being so deliberate about knowing where the pedals are and using them correctly!
The conscious competence theory is another name for the “Four Stages of Learning,” a theory posited by 1940′s psychologist Abraham Maslow. The Four Stages of Learning are an explanation of how people learn something, progressing from
1. Unconscious Incompetence – you don’t know that you don’t know something, to
2. Conscious Incompetence – you are now aware that you are incompetent at something, to
3. Conscious Competence – you develop a skill in that area but have to deliberately think about it in order for it to happen, to the final stage:
4. Unconscious Competence – you are good at it and it now comes naturally.
I’d say that most of us can claim to be in each of these stages, depending on the task/skill in question. I’m clueless about plenty, certain that I’m incompetent at lots of stuff, and I’m aware that I need to be deliberate about certain things. That covers off on Stages 1 – 3.
What about Stage 4, though? I know I don’t spend much time thinking about what I know so well that it doesn’t require thought. Maybe it’s time to step back and be grateful for all the things we do so well that they’re second nature to us: driving, typing without looking at the keys, sewing, making a pie crust, helping others become their best selves…the list for each of us is likely to be very long.
When we become grateful for what we already know, we’re likely to cut ourselves a bit o’ slack and loosen the “I’m a loser who can’t do anything” mindset. And that, my friends, is always a good thing.
At what are you Unconsciously Competent?
“You’re such a Quick Start!”
For those of you who haven’t heard of the Kolbe A Index, this is a reference to Kathy Kolbe’s inventory of conative (or action) styles. A fellow Kolbe afficionado lobbed this comment my way after I indicated I was unable to stick with a project I’d discussed with her.
Another friend was describing her husband as “a total J,” a reference to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a personality inventory that both of us use in our work.
While I’m a big fan of both these inventories and I believe they’re very helpful in providing insights to why we act, feel and prefer the things we do, I get nervous when we start labeling people in a way that precludes any further exploration.
It’s pretty natural to categorize our experiences. Every day we – consciously or unconsciously – label others: fat/skinny, smart/dumb, shy/extroverted, efficient/inefficent, etc. It’s a way for our brains to make sense of, and classify, all the information coming our way.
What worries me, though, is when we lean (rely) too hard on one or two labels to define our experience of others. It got me thinking of how many ways someone could label me:
- female
- blonde (more noticeable after a trip to the hairdresser!)
- Nissan owner
- smart
- funny
- creative
- ENFP
- Quick Start
- CT resident
- head of household
- college-educated
- tall
- travel lover
- Caucasian
- coach
- daughter
- former HR exec
- childless
- of German ancestry
- born in NY…there are tons more.
Taken as a whole package, those labels do help define me, but if you (or I) saw me only as a blonde, or an ENFP, or whatever, you start to lose the nuances that make me, well, me.
How often are we relying on too few labels, or are we too quick to try and define our experience of others? Let’s promise ourselves to dig deeper and learn more about another person before writing them off or categorizing them in a way that diminishes their value in our eyes.
And, please, let’s start with ourselves. How are you “self-labeling?” How are those labels limiting the way you define yourself or describe yourself to others? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
Yup, there really is a potato chip in my slipper. I found it this morning when I came into my office and turned on the computer.
Last night, I was bored. I did the “grazing thing,” walking in and out of the kitchen, grabbing nibbles and wandering back to the sofa to watch bad TV, or over to my computer to check Facebook one more time in case something exciting happened. While on Facebook, I was popping chips into my mouth and didn’t even notice they were falling out of my hand, into my shoe. Yikes. Talk about unconscious eating!
So what’s the big deal about a few chips, some Facebook scanning and boob tube watching (she asks, defensively)? Nothing, unless it becomes a regular habit. Or when those activities replace the reading of a good book, which I’ve been complaining I never have time for. Or when I say I have no time to work on a creative project that’s been left unfinished. Or, most importantly, when I am using those activities to NOT FEEL SOMETHING.
When I don’t allow myself to feel, I miss the experience of noticing the thoughts that are causing the feeling. First, I thought I was bored, but underneath the boredom was this: “I’d really like some company right now, and there’s no one here. I’m lonely and I have no friends.” When I finally acknowledged the feeling and got to the thought/lie that I’m friendless, I got off Facebook, put the chips away, and called a friend. Loneliness over. Problem solved.
Next time you’re stuffing your face, or frantic about something, ask yourself “What don’t I want to know right now.” It’s a powerful question. Avoiding it doesn’t lead to happiness. It just leads to stuff in your shoe. And we all know how uncomfortable that is.
I’ve spent most of the last six weeks on the road, traveling to Spain, Mexico and within the United States. All the trips were a mix of business and pleasure, and each was transformative in its own way. As much as I love travel, though, there’s nothing like coming home.
You know that feeling I’m talking about, right? The one where you feel as though you could just shuck your shoes and contentedly plant yourself in one spot for a good long while. That, my friends, is the feeling you get when you’ve achieved your ideal, too. “Ideal” might mean life, home, career, relationship, weight – it could be any or all of those things – but we’ve all experienced the “aaah” of knowing we’ve landed exactly where we’re meant to be at some point in our lives. The trick is remembering to notice when we’re feeling at home, and then identifying the clues (i.e., conditions all around us) that caused the feeling.
This month, I’ll be talking about home quite a bit, both at the IKEA event and in my telecourse with my friend Terry. Our homes, as metaphors, speak volumes about what’s going on in our lives, both inner (in our psyches) and outer (what we project to the world). Since I don’t want to steal too much “thunder” from this month’s events, I’ll wait until next month to say more on this topic.
I will say this, though: Once I’ve rested for a bit, I’ll get the itch to go out into the world again. It’s because I’m continually working on “that thing I’m supposed to do.” Watch Martha’s Talk to understand what I mean and let me know if you can relate. If you’re with us, we’re moving at dawn!
This morning, I woke up at 4:45am to get to the elementary school by 5:30. Why? I am an Election Official. That’s why.
I certainly don’t do it for the money, because I made less on my 8 hour shift than I could make in an hour of coaching. I did it because I believe ya gotta “live it to give it,” as my mentor and teacher, Martha Beck, says.
I spend a lot of time talking with clients about incorporating their values into all aspects of their lives. A life and career that doesn’t align with values causes suffering. If I’m encouraging others to live their values, I’d better be willing to live my own, too.
Since community, using my voice to stand up for what I believe in, and honoring those who came before us are important to me, I decided to become an Election Official (sounds pretty lofty, but basically I handed out ballots and helped people understand how to use them).
Helping to ensure that everyone has the right to vote in an impartial and speedy way feels like a great way to support my community, as well as to honor all those people who fought for our right to do so.
Did you vote? I hope so.
Ten days ago, I was in the Mexico City airport, using a pay phone to call the US because my four year old cell phone didn’t have a global roaming feature. After finding an operator who spoke English, giving her all my credit card data and my friend’s phone number, I was finally able to connect with my friend to tell her my flight was canceled and I’d be a day late arriving at a seminar we were attending.
As I hung up the phone, I brushed against my cell phone, whose directory I’d just consulted to get my friend’s number (because who remembers anyone’s phone number any more?), and knocked it to the floor. Of course, it broke into pieces that couldn’t be put back together. It was the last straw in a seemingly endless day of bad luck.
Yesterday, I finally got myself to the Verizon store, and I did something I swore I’d never do again: I got myself a BlackBerry. No big deal, right? After all, everyone’s got smart phones now and they come in handy when your flight’s canceled and you need to call a friend back in the States.
For me, though, buying that BlackBerry represented a return to my “old, corporate self.” That person who had the thing pretty much attached to her hip, waiting to pounce on it the second the little red light started flashing at all hours of the day and night, responding to the latest “emergency” that meant someone couldn’t live without my input.
Really? Look at that story I was telling myself: Owning a device that I used in a job I hated meant that I’d again become a version of myself that I didn’t like very much. Four years ago, when I left my corporate life behind, I swore I’d never wield a BlackBerry again.
How ridiculous. The device is just a bunch of plastic and metal. The meaning I created about that gadget was not serving me at all. Doing what I do for a living now, I spend a lot of time each day examining the little stories like this, helping others see where they’re telling a painful tale about a set of facts (in my case, buying a BlackBerry). I’m grateful that all that practice helps me spot my own stories pretty quickly.
So, I’m now the owner of a smart phone, and I’m happy to report that if it has a blinking red light, I must’ve turned it off because I haven’t noticed it once. But, just in case I might feel the urge to begin compulsively checking it every few minutes, I’m keeping it in my purse. 
What are YOUR “nevers?” Are you telling yourself stories (a.k.a., lies) about those situations that are preventing you from a positive experience? If you’re not sure, notice where you’re feeling any kind of discomfort – stress, sadness, anger, and frustration are hints that you’re telling yourself a tall tale – and see if you can spot the underlying story. If you get stuck, call me. I’ve got a cool new phone!
