The culmination of all that neglect led me to drive way too fast down I-95 this week with the intent of forcing a showdown at their offices. I wasn’t gonna go postal or anything, but I kept thinking “these people have to pay for what they did.” I was gonna let ‘em have it.

When I got there, I found a man working while his boss (the target of my anger) was “at the store.” Deflated, I looked around. Dirty, disorganized, junk strewn everywhere, a company vehicle with a bashed in window…not exactly the kind of place that instills confidence in a customer. I waited a while, then found my awning lying in a heap in a corner. I picked it up, folded it, and left the premises. On the ride home I was a little calmer but still had the “they should pay” story going on in my head.

Then I got coached. When the coach called, I trotted out my tale about the awning. She helped me see that my “they should pay” story was keeping me stuck in a loop of anger and frustration.

So I changed my thinking to “they’re already paying.” How did I know they were “paying”? Their voicemail boxes were full (every one of them – I called ‘em!), probably with angry customers’ complaints. Their finances were likely so bad they couldn’t maintain their vehicles, and they lost a customer (me) that day.

The coach asked me to think about the head of that company, knowing that he was already paying. Suddenly I was able to let the anger go and think instead with compassion for him. I don’t know what’s going on with him or why his employees behave the way they do, but I’m free to find a company that feels better to me, and I’m not stuck feeling crappy anymore. In fact, I found someone who showed up on time, repaired stuff the other company didn’t notice, suggested ways to extend the life of the awning’s fabric, and charged me less than the other company would have.

So why did I tell you this little story? Because when you’re angry, hurt, or anything other than joyful, you’ve created a story about your circumstances that just doesn’t serve you. The energy you’re devoting to making someone – a toxic boss, the person who didn’t hire you, or the colleague who stole the credit for your hard work – wrong is keeping you from finding an opportunity or situation that’s right for you.

Compassion for yourself first, and then for others, will always help you find the truth – your true calling, the truest expression of your creativity, a work environment that lets you be yourself, etc. And, the truth brings peace.

For those of you who haven’t heard of the Kolbe A Index, this is a reference to Kathy Kolbe’s inventory of conative (or action) styles.  A fellow Kolbe afficionado lobbed this comment my way after I indicated I was unable to stick with a project I’d discussed with her.

Another friend was describing her husband as “a total J,” a reference to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a personality inventory that both of us use in our work.

While I’m a big fan of both these inventories and I believe they’re very helpful in providing insights to why we act, feel and prefer the things we do, I get nervous when we start labeling people in a way that precludes any further exploration.

It’s pretty natural to categorize our experiences.  Every day we – consciously or unconsciously – label others:  fat/skinny, smart/dumb, shy/extroverted, efficient/inefficent, etc.  It’s a way for our brains to make sense of, and classify, all the information coming our way.

What worries me, though, is when we lean (rely) too hard on one or two labels to define our experience of others.  It got me thinking of how many ways someone could label me:

• female
• blonde (more noticeable after a trip to the hairdresser!)
• Nissan owner
• smart
• funny
• creative
• ENFP
• Quick Start
• CT resident
• head of household
• college-educated
• tall
• travel lover
• Caucasian
• coach
• daughter
• former HR exec
• childless
• of German ancestry
• born in NY…there are tons more.

Taken as a whole package, those labels do help define me, but if you (or I) saw me only as a blonde, or an ENFP, or whatever, you start to lose the nuances that make me, well, me.

How often are we relying on too few labels, or are we too quick to try and define our experience of others?  Let’s promise ourselves to dig deeper and learn more about another person before writing them off or categorizing them in a way that diminishes their value in our eyes.

And, please, let’s start with ourselves.  How are you “self-labeling?”  How are those labels limiting the way you define yourself or describe yourself to others?  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

As I hung up the phone, I brushed against my cell phone, whose directory I’d just consulted to get my friend’s number (because who remembers anyone’s phone number any more?), and knocked it to the floor.  Of course, it broke into pieces that couldn’t be put back together.  It was the last straw in a seemingly endless day of bad luck.

Yesterday, I finally got myself to the Verizon store, and I did something I swore I’d never do again: I got myself a BlackBerry. No big deal, right?  After all, everyone’s got smart phones now and they come in handy when your flight’s canceled and you need to call a friend back in the States.

For me, though, buying that BlackBerry represented a return to my “old, corporate self.”  That person who had the thing pretty much attached to her hip, waiting to pounce on it the second the little red light started flashing at all hours of the day and night, responding to the latest “emergency” that meant someone couldn’t live without my input.

Really?   Look at that story I was telling myself: Owning a device that I used  in a job I hated meant that I’d again become a version of myself that I didn’t like very much.  Four years ago, when I left my corporate life behind, I swore I’d never wield a BlackBerry again.

How ridiculous. The device is just a bunch of plastic and metal.  The meaning I created about that gadget was not serving me at all.  Doing what I do for a living now, I spend a lot of time each day examining the little stories like this, helping others see where they’re telling a painful tale about a set of facts (in my case, buying a BlackBerry).  I’m grateful that all that practice helps me spot my own stories pretty quickly.

So, I’m now the owner of a smart phone, and I’m happy to report that if it has a blinking red light, I must’ve turned it off because I haven’t noticed it once.  But, just in case I might feel the urge to begin compulsively checking it every few minutes, I’m keeping it in my purse. 

What are YOUR “nevers?”  Are you telling yourself stories (a.k.a., lies) about those situations that are preventing you from a positive experience?  If you’re not sure, notice where you’re feeling any kind of discomfort – stress, sadness, anger, and frustration are hints that you’re telling yourself a tall tale – and see if you can spot the underlying story.  If you get stuck, call me.  I’ve got a cool new phone!

Yesterday, I was stiff.  Despite loads of stretching, my knee wouldn’t loosen up.  I skipped the walk and stayed close to home, puttering and cleaning my office, and packing my suitcase.  By the end of the day, I was elevating and icing it, and taking prescription strength anti-inflammatory meds.

This morning, I called my Saturday Walking Buddy and bailed on our planned six mile walk.  My knee’s letting me walk, but barely.  Putting weight on it for too long is a problem.  I’m using a cane.

I thought I was paying attention to my body, but clearly I wasn’t listening hard enough.  Had I done so, I would have stretched more, stopped walking sooner and started icing sooner, too.

Why is this a big deal?  Because on Monday, I leave for Spain.  I’m off for our Re-Treat along the Camino de Santiago, where we’re supposed to walk 100km in six days.  What’s the likelihood of THAT happening now?  Crap.

Here’s a random sampling of my thoughts:

“I’m angry at myself for letting my body get so out of shape.”

“If I don’t walk the whole way, the group will think I’m pathetic.”

“Susan (my co-leader) will be disappointed in me.”

“I’ve failed before I even gave it a shot.”

“My dream is going to turn into a nightmare.”

REALLY?  Wow, have I got work to do.  It’s time to clean up these thoughts!

Is my body really out of shape?  I’ve been getting stronger each day, preparing for this walk.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to walk this far.

Can I be sure that my body won’t be ready to start the Camino next week?  I have no way of knowing what my body will be like next week, but I can certainly help it today by taking good care of it.

How do I know what the group will think of me and why would that matter, anyway?  I don’t control their thoughts, and their thoughts are not my business.

Can I be sure that not walking the Camino is a failure?  I get to define “failure,” so I’m calling this a success no matter what happens.

Will this be a nightmare?  Nope.  I’ve made a long-held dream come true – I’m headed to the Camino.

When I look at the thoughts, realize they’re just a bunch of fear and garbage and clean ‘em up, my body feels lighter.  And that can only help my knee.  Since I won’t be walking today, or doing much else, I think I’ll read some books.  Something inspirational.  Maybe about Spain.  It’ll do me good to sit still and read.  And maybe that’s what my knee wanted for me all along.

Reason Number One for loving September is because it feels like a new beginning.  While January may mark the start of a new calendar year, September’s always felt like a fresh start to me.  Maybe it’s the deeply-ingrained rhythm of the school year.  Summer’s over, and it’s time to learn again.  With the new school year come new lessons, and for a little while, permission to be a newbie who just doesn’t know how things work.

In any event, the fresh start’s what I’m often after.  There’s something about a new notebook, a turn of the calendar page, and the chance to begin again that feels great.  Things haven’t gotten messy yet.

So often, my clients and I think that a dramatic new start like relocating to another city, quitting a job or finding a new love will fix what ails us.  Sometimes it does, but what’s often in need of a cleanup or fresh start is the thinking that we’ve made too much of a mess to stay where we are.  We tend to get into “I Need To Blow Up My Life/Career/Relationship” mode and don’t stop to notice what’s really going on.  It’s so much easier to distract ourselves with the logistics and excitement of a big change.

A wise, well-traveled friend once said “It doesn’t matter where you go because your troubles always follow you.”  So, how do you know whether a dramatic shakeup or just a little dusting and cleaning is in order?  Get curious.  Ask yourself these questions:

What do I really, really not want to know right now?
What is my role in the creation of these circumstances?
Whom do I most need to forgive right now?
What is the feeling state I want to have?

To achieve a truly new beginning, it helps to know exactly where you are right now – to honestly, consciously be aware of just what’s going on and what you’re doing to contribute to the situation.  Once you’ve established a clear understanding of the circumstances, you can begin the process of unwinding the thoughts you have about them.  (Hint:  If there’s a “should,” “shouldn’t,” “can’t,” or “have to” floating around in your head, you’ve probably got some work to do.)

Learning how your attachment to limiting or unproductive thoughts is causing your desire to flee your current life/job/relationship is the beginning of transformation.  Lucky for all of us, every moment is a new opportunity to notice our thoughts, decide if they’re helpful, and choose whether to invest any energy in believing them.  Talk about the best fresh start there is!

The Situation Picture this, if you will:

• Crowded locker room with limited space
• Several towels scattered on the floor
• Rolling carry-on duffle bag, upended, with shoes, makeup and exercise clothing strewn on the floor and bench
• Three outfits in dry cleaner bags, hung on various lockers
• Woman in soup-can sized rollers, applying makeup, while asking three fellow gym-goers “Does this dress make my boobs look too big?  You know, in this town people think you’re a slut if you show too much cleavage.”

My Attitude (a.k.a. “thoughts”)

• Judgy (she’s hogging too much space, she’s selfish…)
• Angry (she should know better, be more considerate…)
• Unkind (she’s an idiot, her outfits are trashy…)

How was that workin’ for me? Not well at all.  During my swim I was distracted by all my negative thoughts and kept swallowing water when I’d come up for air.

Time for an Attitude Adjustment Was she really supposed to take up less room? Nope. How do I know that?  Because she took up the room she took.  Should she have been anything other than exactly who she was, doing what she was doing in that moment?  Nope.  And how do I know that?  Because that’s what was happening.

Byron Katie says “When you argue with reality, you lose.  But only 100% of the time.”  The Lady was going about her day, and I was busy believing she should be something other than exactly who she was.  Whose moment was ruined?  Certainly not hers.

When I came back from my shower and swim, she was drying her hair, and then polishing her nails.  Another judgy thought (“She’s taking way too long to get out of here.”) surfaced.

I laughed out loud.  Why? Because she’d given me a wonderful example of how my attitude (and thoughts) were totally in my control.  I could decide to remain a judgy, angry and unkind person or I could make a different choice.  So I did.  I decided that she was just like all the rest of us, making our way through the world and wanting to look her best when she did so.  She got a warm smile from me and I got a story to tell all of you.

Eckhart Tolle’s right. In “A New Earth,” he says “Life will give you whatever experience is the most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.”  Who knew that my daily dose o’ consciousness-raising was going to happen in the locker room of the local Y!

Are you in need of an attitude adjustment? Funny thing, but when I became more considerate of The Lady instead of assuming she should be more considerate of me, I felt better.  Notice your thoughts about others, and turn them onto yourself.  See if there isn’t a glimmer of truth when you substitute “I should” for the original “s/he should.” You just might feel better for it, too.

Suffering is a treasure, for it conceals mercies;
The almond becomes fresh when you peel off the rind.
O my brother, staying in a cold dark place
And bearing patiently the grief, weakness, and pain
Is the Source of Life and the cup of Abandon!
The heights are found only in the depths of abasement;
Spring is hidden in autumn, and autumn pregnant with spring.
Flee neither; be the friend of Grief, accept desolation,
Hunt for the life that springs from the death of yourself.

- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi

A wise therapist once said to me “Suffing is optional.”  Even when it seems as though it’s not, we’ve always got a choice in how to feel about it.   It’s sad to lose someone you love, for example.  Grieving the loss is important and necessary.  Leaning into the grief, rather than fighting it, allows you to eventually be at peace.

When you tell stories about the loss, however, you may be creating unnecessary suffering.  “I should have been there when he or she died,” or “I didn’t do enough for them,” or “He’ll never know how much I cared” are all examples of  “dirty” pain – pain that’s caused by our thoughts and not by the actual loss we’ve experienced.

When we fight the reality of the circumstances at hand, we cause ourselves unnecessary suffering, too.  If you hear yourself starting a sentence with any of the following phrases, be alert:

• I (or they) shouldn’t
• I (or they) should
• I can’t
• I have to

There’s usually a lie coming, fast and furious.  When we believe that we or others have to, should, can’t, or shouldn’t do something – instead of believing that we/they choose to, or choose not to, we create  a state of powerlessness.  That’s a great way to choose suffering…if you want to! 

Huh?  Chocolate chip bagels?  I have no memory of chocolate chip bagels playing a role in any of my high school memories, nor could I remember the last time I’d eaten one.  (I’m usually a Sesame or Everything girl.)

Joe’s comment got me thinking about how you can drop two people into the same situation and when you ask them to describe it afterward, you’ll get two different responses about what transpired.  Anyone who’s got siblings knows this; you can ask them all about what happened during Thanksgiving 1985 and there might be a few similar facts in each version, but often what you’ll hear is stories that vary wildly.

We’re all processing the events in our lives through very specific filters, sifting and tossing what doesn’t match up with our paradigm about how life should work.  Is this a good thing?

If some area of your life’s not working for you, look at the story you’re telling yourself about how something’s supposed to work, how someone’s supposed to act, or why your reality doesn’t match up with what you’re after.  Chances are it’s time to examine, and probably change, the filter (a.k.a., your beliefs or unspoken rules) through which you process your life.  To get started, ask yourself about the rules you’re following (or expect others to follow).  If you’re stuck, ask someone you trust and who’s familiar with your situation to tell you what they believe your “rules” are for how that situation ought to play out.  If you discover something that makes you feel anything except calm or happy, it’s time to shift.

As for me, I went out and bought a chocolate chip bagel, and it wasn’t half bad.  So, maybe I’ll modify my “only sesame or everything bagels for me” rule.  Thanks, Joe.

We started plowing through them.  Should she really clean up the basement?  Should she already have a job by now?  Should she know more about what her right life looks like?  Nope.

How do I know that?  Because she hasn’t cleaned the basement, she doesn’t have a job, and she doesn’t know more than what she knows about her right life at this given moment.

We’ve all got a list of “shoulds,” likely even longer than my client’s.  The time we spend on “shoulds” is just tilting at windmills (to borrow a reference from Don Quixote);  it’s a useless exercise to be upset about what isn’t happening in our lives, simply because reality “is what it is,” to use that oft-repeated phrase.

The freedom we experience when we can let go of the notion that life should be any other way than exactly as it is in this very moment is nothing short of exhilarating.  That doesn’t mean that if we don’t like the way life is at this moment, we can’t work on changing it.  Doing so is a choice, as is believing that we can, as is deciding what story we tell ourselves about the facts at hand.

Want to experience more freedom?  Spend one day noticing all the shoulds that creep into your thinking.  And then, just let ‘em go.