I get it. Totally. I used to be like her. But not anymore. There was no defining moment where the proverbial light bulb went on, but rather a gradual softening…sort of a gentling of my spirit. I suspect it was due to a combination of maturation and the hard knocks that come with being alive. Who knows.

What I know for sure (to borrow a phrase from Oprah) is that we’re put on this planet to love and serve. To use our passions and talents to leave this place a little better than we found it. In all areas of my life, I now look for opportunities to love and serve. It may mean holding open a door, speaking pro bono to job-seekers, or the volunteering that troubled my relative.

I’ve learned that by giving, I receive far more than I ever gave. It’s not usually a direct, linear, tit-for-tat sort of thing, but there’s no mistaking the fact that my life is far richer since making a more concerted effort to help others. If you’re unemployed or in the wrong career, volunteer for an organization that will help you gain skills while making a contribution. If you can’t sort out a problem of your own, helps someone else solve theirs. Share job leads. Write a Linked In recommendation for someone whose work you admire. When you network, aim to meet people whom you can help, rather than who can help you. Teach someone to read.

Generosity of spirit and resources creates a connection to the abundance of life. “Woo-woo,” I know, but oh so true. Just give, and watch what happens.

While it’s lovely to revisit childhood traditions, I’m not getting much work done. I tell myself it’s because I’m cooking, cleaning, running Mom back and forth to physical therapy appointments and doing laundry. But it’s not, really. There are plenty of schedule gaps where the chores have been done and Mom wants for nothing.

So what gives? Why am I not squeezing in more time catching up on business reading, blogging, clearing out old emails, or creating new programs and offerings? I blame it on The Battle In My Head.

The Battle goes like this: “You should work harder,” says the Judgy Tyrant who’s all business and spends her life wagging her finger in disapproval. “You should play harder,” says the watermelon- and sprinkler-loving kid in me. These days, I’m letting the kid win. Sure there’s the occasional thought that I’m a total slacker and I’ll starve to death, but it passes oh-so-quickly.

It wasn’t always that way. Before I made a decision to honor what feels right, right down to my bones, I used to do a lot of things because “that’s the way you’re supposed to do it,” or “because it makes good business sense,” or “because it’s logical.” And I often found myself in situations where I wasn’t engaged, had nothing to offer and was bored silly.

Forcing yourself to follow others’ rules, to work when there’s just no mojo to be found, is just plain dumb. Playing is what keeps us creative. I’ve learned that if I can’t easily find an answer to some question, it’s time to set the question aside and play a bit. Our bodies learn and create better when we’re moving. Hula hooping, even as badly as I do it, is a way to stimulate the right side of my brain.

I often tell clients to make stuff. Any kind of stuff – placemats, finger paintings, potholders, watercolors – will do. Creating helps them access wisdom they’re not tapping into now. By doing the unexpected thing, eventually something jogs loose in one’s brain. Ideas will come. And if you don’t believe me, how ’bout Albert Einstein?   He said “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

So, if you’re feeling stuck, unsure of what to do next, I highly recommend a run through the sprinkler.

“Experience has taught me that the way to a joyful life is always fraught with fear, that to find it you must follow your heart’s desires right through the inevitable terrors that arise to hold you back.  If you don’t do this, your life will be shaped by fear, rather than love, and I guarantee, the shape will be narrow and tiny compared with your best destiny.“

Before I left my last corporate job three and a half years ago, I was afraid that I might not make enough money at coaching and would have to try something else.  Guess what?  I still worry about that.  But it’s three and a half years later, and I’m still a coach with her own business.

Fear’s definitely a companion in my everyday life, but I recognize it for what it is – a motivator, and just a feeling.  I don’t think I’ll die from feeling fear.    Had I stayed in my corporate job, my life would have been a lot less interesting and I would have missed out on a lot of growth.

As one of Martha’s clients says, “How could I possibly lose as much by trying as I did by refusing to try?  What’s safe about not being who you were meant to be?“  Yup, I can totally relate!

What aren’t you trying?

“Even if you never go near the arts, you are creating away like mad every single day, working in the medium of experience itself.  Actions, objects, words, gestures – literally anything you influence by your choices becomes part of your creation.  Every time you voice your thoughts to a loved one, or cook a meal, or choose a new bar of soap for the dish by your bathtub, you are creating a modification in space or time that would never have existed without you.  Whether consciously or unconsciously, you have more power to create your own life than anyone or anything else.”

What are you creating for yourself today?

Funny thing, Desire. It’s not always about lust and sex, not that those things aren’t fabulous. In the context of a joyful life, though, we’re talking about yearning.  Not just wanting, but yearning.

I want a beach house.  What I yearn for is to feel air on my face, to smell the iodine-y/salty smell of the ocean air, and to feel sand between my toes.  Do I need to have a beach house to experience what I yearn for?  Nope.

This may seem like an overly simplistic example, but the point I’m trying to make is that when we start looking for our right lives and careers, we often have a hard time articulating what will really, truly bring us joy.  On the surface, the things we want appear to be what will make us happy.  When we dig deeper, however, and ask the “and then what?” question, sometimes we’re surprised by the responses.

In my beach house example, the “and then what” exploration might lead me to realize “and then I’d have two mortgages,” or “and then I’d have to drive every weekend in traffic,” or it might lead to “and then I’d sit on the beach and read.”  Hell, I can sit on the beach and read without owning a house and having a mortgage.  Maybe I don’t need the house – just the fresh air experience, which I can get in a variety of other ways:

1. rent a house
2. go to a hotel on the beach
3. while sitting on my sofa, imagine the air’s smell, the feel of the breeze, etc.

My point is this:  knowing the difference between a want and a desire can make a world of difference in the choices we make, and the steps we take.  If I’d actually bought the beach house, I might have come to resent the “shackled” feeling of the financial burden, commute, etc.  But, when I fulfill my yearning (air, breeze, etc.) I feel free.

Once you feel the sense of freedom of having defined the yearning, you can set the intention of achieving it.  If doubt creeps in, remind yourself that you’re very likely to achieve this desire in a roundabout way, when you’re not even paying attention.  Just focus on the intention of achieving what you’re after, and let the magic happen.  It always does.   (And if it doesn’t, go back to the Desire Question:  What Do I Yearn For?)

When you dig deeper, however, you’re likely to find that you’re often telling yourself some pretty big whoppers. Do any of these ring a bell?  “I’m not thin enough.”  “I don’t make enough money.”  “I’ll never find a job I love.”  “My husband should be neater.”  “She ought to stop criticizing me.”

Lies, every last one. How do I know?  Because they’re arguments about what should or shouldn’t be the case, rather than an acknowledgment of what is.  When we tell ourselves a story about our circumstances that isn’t true, we feel like crap.  If we lie often enough, we shut down our capacity to fully experience joy and harmony. Here’s how Martha suggests we begin to examine truth on a daily basis:

• Sit quietly for 15 minutes and do nothing.
• Ask yourself:  What am I feeling?
• Ask yourself:  What hurts?
• Ask yourself:  What is the painful story I’m telling?
• Ask yourself:  Can I be sure my painful story is true?
• Ask yourself:  Is my painful story working?
• Ask yourself:  Can I think of another story that might work better?
• Treat yourself with compassion

Learning to uncover the stories you tell yourself about your circumstances is the best way to find freedom and joy. On a MUCH lighter note, here’s what she had to say to the “joy dieters”:

Gotta love Martha; she’s a hoot!

Week One’s focus is on Nothing.  That’s right – nothing.  As in Nothing Doing.  Or, better said, doing nothing.  The first step to creating a more joyful life is to do absolutely nothing for 15 minutes a day.   Start by being inaccessible to everyone except yourself.  Step away from every electronic, human or animal distraction.  Then, sit still.

If that seems utterly inconceivable, you can move, but move in a repetitive way.  Jog, swim, use a stationary bike…but don’t read or watch t.v. while doing so.

If you need something to look at, stare at a fireplace, or the waves at the beach.  Something with natural movement.

Then, notice all the thoughts that go flying through your mind.  Don’t get all judgy about having them; just watch and keep breathing.  Creating space between our thoughts and action will help create an underlying calm that allows you to hear the whisper…yup, I’m gettin’ a bit woo woo here…of your soul.  And people, when we finally give our souls some room to breathe, fabulous things happen.  Slowly at first, but more steadily as we practice Nothing Doing.

As for me,  I’ve struggled a bit with this one.  Sitting still, with no distractions, takes some getting used to.  Since 15 minutes felt like an eternity, I thought I’d break this one down into smaller chunks and started with 5 minutes at a time.  I set the microwave’s timer, sat on the sofa, and noticed my foot wiggling, thought of all the things I wasn’t getting done, and got mad at myself for not doing it right.

I’m getting better, though. I can now sit for 10 minutes, and sometimes I even feel sad when the timer goes off.  This Nothing Doing ritual is a work in progress, just like me.

Are you into Nothing Doing?  How’s it working for you?

“‘You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone,’ from the Joni Mitchell song, so enjoy the moment and the NOW of your life.”   This comes from Sue, who unfortunately was just laid off from a job she really enjoyed.

Marlene says “some shoulds are important to remember.  As a ‘run my business from home’ mother, I should

• postpone that conference call, just this once, and count clouds with my 5-year old daughter,
• listen to my children and not use them for white noise when I’m working on my computer, and
• give my children the same courtesy I would offer my toughest client.”

“I’ve learned that you can plan for the future…but you don’t live there.”  These words come from Marilyn.

Does anyone else see the theme here?  People are telling me that they feel the need to be more PRESENT in their lives.  To live in the PRESENT, rather than planning for moments in the future.  Now is what we can count on, not tomorrow!  Given that sentiment, how satisfied are you with the present moment?  Can you improve it to include the PRESENCE of more joy, love, and peace?

It’s tempting during the holiday season to make ourselves nuts with gift-buying, card-sending, and planning every moment of every day.  We get caught up in the to-do lists that have more to do with the future than the present moment.  Sue, Marlene and Marilyn have wisely seen that what really matters is being more present in each moment of our lives.

Here’s to a season filled with PRESENCE!

In each case, I could have held onto the first part of those stories – flat tire, ran out of gas, etc. – but what helped me cope was the fact that in each case the scenario could have been so much worse.  I could have been on the side of a highway, stuck in an unsafe area, or far from available help or resources when each of these things happened.

I could cite examples about my health, career, and relationships as well, but I think you get the point:  my choice in how to think about the situations allowed me to experience less suffering.  Sounds fairly grand, using the word “suffering,” but let’s examine this a bit further.

My friend Betsy urged me to read Dr. Richard Wiseman’s The Luck Factor:  How to Increase Luck in Your Life.  Wiseman conducted years of interviews and experiments with over 400 volunteers and came up with an interesting conclusion:  luck is something that can be learned.

He determined the Four Essential Principles of Luck:

Creating Chance Opportunities – According to Wiseman, “lucky people create, notice and act upon the chance opportunities in their lives.”  They build and maintain what Wiseman calls a strong “network of luck,” meeting a large number of people and developing relationships with them.  A relaxed attitude towards life gives lucky people an edge, too.  Being calm and relaxed helps lucky folks notice opportunities more than those who are anxious and neurotic.  They’re also more likely to create novelty in their lives, welcoming new experiences.

Feeling Lucky – Wiseman says “lucky people make successful decisions by using their intuition and gut feelings.”  They listen to their “inner voice” and consider what it’s trying to tell them.

Thinking Lucky – “Lucky people’s expectations about the future help them fulfill their dreams and ambitions,” says Wiseman.  They “expect their good luck to continue in the future.”

Denying Fate – Wiseman’s Principle Four says “Lucky people are able to transform their bad luck into good fortune.”  Turns out, I’ve been employing this principle all along, as described earlier.

Want to be a lucky duck?  Work on the following:

• building and maintaining relationships
• being relaxed and calm
• being open to new experiences in your life
• listening to your hunches
• using techniques such as meditation to boost your intuition
• assuming interactions with others will be positive
• not dwelling on ill fortune

Funny…haven’t I been writing about these activities in my newsletter all along?  My clients would tell you we work on these activities in our work together, too.  Dr. Wiseman’s a smart guy!

On a deeper level, I was touched because the praise meant that I’d impacted someone’s life enough for them to take the time (without any prompting) to write about the experience.  That, dear readers, is my mission and purpose:  to impact people in ways that change their lives for the better.

While I don’t go out seeking testimonials, I do go out into the world with every intention of being of service to others, to “pay forward” the help and guidance I’ve been given over the years.  I firmly believe in the “small give,” similar to the concept of “The Big Give” (Oprah’s popular show on ABC), but smaller and possibly more subtle in nature and in immediacy of outcome.

What, in the present moment, can you give to the person or people you’re with?   Share information, donate a moment of time to listen, pass on an article or web site that will help someone get ahead in business, write a testimonial for someone who provided great service…there are an infinite number of ways for us to help and appreciate one another.

After receiving the testimonials, I asked myself how I could pass on the kindness I’ve been given.  I decided to write a testimonial on LinkedIn for someone who’d done great work helping me set up my company’s financial systems.  She didn’t ask me to do so; I’m just paying it forward.  And I hope she will, too.

The more I give, the more I enjoy each day.  And, in a great big way, the more I get back, too.  I have a theory about this:  When you’re doing what you love, living the life you truly want and have created for yourself, the testimonials just come with the territory.

Are you living a testimonial-worthy life?