The Exclamation Points  These are the “my way or the highway” folks who fight you for the sake of being right, who know best and are unwilling to believe there’s room for anyone else’s views or insights.  For the SNL fans, it’s Dana Carvey’s Church Lady and her condescending tone when saying “Well, isn’t that special!”

I’ll take Dr. Hale’s description one step further – I believe Exclamation Points are living out loud, not always in a good way.  They’re so busy being adamant that they’ve forgotten to notice the mitigating factors, the gray areas, and the fact that things change.

The Periods  The Periods have come to a halt.  They’ve checked off a box on their list, believing they’ve gone as far as they can go, nothing more needs to be done, and they’ve grown as much as they care to, thank-you-very-much.  Their behavior isn’t that of  “acceptance,” but rather a “stop sign.”  Kind of a “been there, done that” dismissal.

The Question Marks  As the name would imply, these are the seekers.  They’re curious, open to receive new insights, and are willing to ask the tough questions that are sometimes required for growth.  They’re my kind of people, and probably yours.  While we’d all like to believe we’re always open and willing to receive the lessons our experiences bring us, it’s not usually the case (at least not for me).

How to Be A Question Mark  When you’re inclined to shut down (Period) or insist/yell (Exclamation Point), just ask a question instead:

• What it this here to teach me?
• Why am I unwilling to go there?
• What’s got me so afraid?
• Where else in my life is this happening?
• What don’t I want to know right now?

Sure, it’d be great to feel as though we’re “finished,” secure in the fact that we’ve mastered life and have got it all down pat.  But since that’s not going to happen for us any time soon, why not “lean into the mystery,” as Caroline Myss says, and see what happens.

We arrived in Santiago today, exhausted and pretty proud of ourselves.  Receiving the “compostela,” the certificate from the church that recognizes your pilgrimage, is a pretty special moment.

A mass in the Catedral de Santiago de Compostela is enough to move anyone to tears, coupled with the fact that the celebrant recognized our little group of seven pilgrims with a special welcome.  (I suspect Carlos, our guide/driver/creator of fun surprises, may have had something to do with that.)

After a day of group lunch and rest for the weary, we came together at dinnertime for what was to be a celebratory feast of Galician seafood.  Unfortunately, the storms were brewing.  All the emotional crap that remained was under the surface, and it was time to clear the air.  Susan and I facilitated a pretty frank discussion.  Anger, tears and wine flowed.  When it was all over, there were hugs and grateful group.  The couple next to us remarked how nice it was to see our process, and how everyone honored each other through the worst, and stayed until things were clear again.

We could have left things unsaid, pretending that everything was okay for a while, but that’s the thing about being a coach:  you don’t enjoy suffering and when you can help others stop, you dive in.

Following that…what else but dancing around a fiery cauldron.  I kid you not.  If you want to know more, you’ll have to come with us next time.

As the day wore on and it got hotter, the storming began.  Not the rain kind.  The kind where everyone’s sniping about one another, wanting others to back off, or simply being crabby about life in general.

Tending to Blisters

This day’s hard.  Lots of ascents and descents, a little less scenic and a lot more exhausting.  Blisters are forming on top of blisters and everyone’s a little less enthusiastic about the walk.  The group’s pace slowed so much that restaurants were closed by the time we were through for the day.  No post-walk lunch to be had.  An impromptu picnic made of items from the grocery store helped us rally for a bit, but when we got to the hotel, the group split up.  Everyone went off in their separate corners for alone time and rest.  Hopefully, a little distance to relieve the tension will do everyone a world of good.

That said, Susan and I keep reminding the group that pushing away the “bad” emotions (sad, mad, scared and all the gradations thereof) is just postponing the inevitable.  The irony of it is that we’re basically avoiding a phenomenon that lasts about 90 seconds.  Yup – according to brain scientists, emotions’ intensity (both the “good” and “bad” kinds) lasts 90 seconds.  Then there’s a lessening. Another wave may come quickly, but what the hell’s so bad about feeling something for 90 seconds?

The Camino is doing its part, too, to help us just ditch crap and feel stuff.  When you’re pushing your body to its limits and spending hours in nature, there’s less of a need to hide and shove stuff away.  I can’t help but think how wonderful it would be if we’d all just be a lot more honest, a lot more often.

My role is to ask them questions to uncover their passions/skills/interests/values/beliefs, teach them to spot the limiting beliefs that are keeping them stuck, teach them how to clean up those thoughts, and if asked, make suggestions about steps they can take to keep up their momentum.  (Basically, I work myself out of a job.)  For some it’s a quick process, and for others it takes a bit longer, but the process is always the same.

Here’s your role in creating a life/career you love:

1.  Ask questions. So often, we just accept what we’ve got without daring to imagine anything different.  I respectfully submit that this is ridiculous and grownups have it all wrong.  Go back to when you were a kid.  What was the question that drove most adults crazy:  “Why?“

• Why do you work in that soul-sucking job?
• Why do you keep dating the same kind of guy over and over again?
• Why does your stomach hurt every time you hang out with that friend?
• Why can’t you ask that guy on a date?
• Why can’t you go back to school?
• Why are you afraid to change?

When you examine the responses, you’ll likely uncover some deeply-held beliefs that no longer serve you.  Once you know what they are, you can start punching holes in those theories.

2.  Accept dead ends and failures as part of the experience. Moving out of a life that no longer serves you is often not linear or straightforward.  If you’ve been anesthetized for a long time, you don’t just suddenly wake up and start running in the direction of your dreams.  Experiment, knowing that you’re likely to screw up.  That’s okay; it’s all information to help you get it better next time.  Learning what doesn’t work is just as, if not more important than, learning what does.

3.  Be willing to go back to the beginning, especially in your mind. We Westerners think we’ve pretty much got to have our lives figured out by the age of 25 or so.  You know, go to school, get a job, work a bit, find a mate, find a home, have kids, and that’s that. We become experts at something or things, and we’re done.

In Eastern philosophy, there’s a concept called “I don’t know mind,”  the willingness to be a beginner again.  And again.  And again.  If we stopped trying to be such know-it-alls and allowed ourselves to be beginners who are curious and eager to learn, we might surprise ourselves with the new things we’ll master.

4.  Be persistent. Don’t give up when you hit your first “you’re overqualified” or “you’ve got no experience” or “why would you want to do this at your age?”  Reinvention isn’t for the faint of heart, but when you finally “get there,” it’s a damned good feeling.  Think of the rejections and failures as a test of how badly you want something.

5.  Accept the mystery/cosmic help. When you get serious about making changes, opportunities start to present themselves:

• A woman at a nursing home where you’re visiting your relative tells you about her brother the governor, to whom you’ve been trying to send your resume
• An article filled with critical info appears in a publication you normally don’t read but felt compelled to buy
• A “We Buy Gold” event occurs at a local hotel, where you sell your unwanted jewelry and make money to cover the cost of a few voiceover lessons
• A friend who knows lots of people with horses
• Just days before your three month sabbatical from work, during which you’re going to Paris to determine if you want to live there, a friend calls you about an apartment-sitting opportunity in, of course, Paris

When you start to put in the time, asking questions, being persistent, dusting yourself off when you stumble and fall, and getting clearer about what you’d like to have in your life, all sorts of things get put into your path to help you achieve your goals.  Those bullets above?  I didn’t make ‘em up.  Every single one happened.  Just ask my clients.

For those of you who haven’t heard of the Kolbe A Index, this is a reference to Kathy Kolbe’s inventory of conative (or action) styles.  A fellow Kolbe afficionado lobbed this comment my way after I indicated I was unable to stick with a project I’d discussed with her.

Another friend was describing her husband as “a total J,” a reference to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a personality inventory that both of us use in our work.

While I’m a big fan of both these inventories and I believe they’re very helpful in providing insights to why we act, feel and prefer the things we do, I get nervous when we start labeling people in a way that precludes any further exploration.

It’s pretty natural to categorize our experiences.  Every day we – consciously or unconsciously – label others:  fat/skinny, smart/dumb, shy/extroverted, efficient/inefficent, etc.  It’s a way for our brains to make sense of, and classify, all the information coming our way.

What worries me, though, is when we lean (rely) too hard on one or two labels to define our experience of others.  It got me thinking of how many ways someone could label me:

• female
• blonde (more noticeable after a trip to the hairdresser!)
• Nissan owner
• smart
• funny
• creative
• ENFP
• Quick Start
• CT resident
• head of household
• college-educated
• tall
• travel lover
• Caucasian
• coach
• daughter
• former HR exec
• childless
• of German ancestry
• born in NY…there are tons more.

Taken as a whole package, those labels do help define me, but if you (or I) saw me only as a blonde, or an ENFP, or whatever, you start to lose the nuances that make me, well, me.

How often are we relying on too few labels, or are we too quick to try and define our experience of others?  Let’s promise ourselves to dig deeper and learn more about another person before writing them off or categorizing them in a way that diminishes their value in our eyes.

And, please, let’s start with ourselves.  How are you “self-labeling?”  How are those labels limiting the way you define yourself or describe yourself to others?  I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Last night, I was bored. I did the “grazing thing,” walking in and out of the kitchen, grabbing nibbles and wandering back to the sofa to watch bad TV, or over to my computer to check Facebook one more time in case something exciting happened. While on Facebook, I was popping chips into my mouth and didn’t even notice they were falling out of my hand, into my shoe.  Yikes.  Talk about unconscious eating!

So what’s the big deal about a few chips, some Facebook scanning and boob tube watching (she asks, defensively)? Nothing, unless it becomes a regular habit. Or when those activities replace the reading of a good book, which I’ve been complaining I never have time for. Or when I say I have no time to work on a creative project that’s been left unfinished. Or, most importantly, when I am using those activities to NOT FEEL SOMETHING.

When I don’t allow myself to feel, I miss the experience of noticing the thoughts that are causing the feeling. First, I thought I was bored, but underneath the boredom was this: “I’d really like some company right now, and there’s no one here. I’m lonely and I have no friends.” When I finally acknowledged the feeling and got to the thought/lie that I’m friendless, I got off Facebook, put the chips away, and called a friend. Loneliness over. Problem solved.

Next time you’re stuffing your face, or frantic about something, ask yourself “What don’t I want to know right now.” It’s a powerful question. Avoiding it doesn’t lead to happiness. It just leads to stuff in your shoe. And we all know how uncomfortable that is.

Reason Number One for loving September is because it feels like a new beginning.  While January may mark the start of a new calendar year, September’s always felt like a fresh start to me.  Maybe it’s the deeply-ingrained rhythm of the school year.  Summer’s over, and it’s time to learn again.  With the new school year come new lessons, and for a little while, permission to be a newbie who just doesn’t know how things work.

In any event, the fresh start’s what I’m often after.  There’s something about a new notebook, a turn of the calendar page, and the chance to begin again that feels great.  Things haven’t gotten messy yet.

So often, my clients and I think that a dramatic new start like relocating to another city, quitting a job or finding a new love will fix what ails us.  Sometimes it does, but what’s often in need of a cleanup or fresh start is the thinking that we’ve made too much of a mess to stay where we are.  We tend to get into “I Need To Blow Up My Life/Career/Relationship” mode and don’t stop to notice what’s really going on.  It’s so much easier to distract ourselves with the logistics and excitement of a big change.

A wise, well-traveled friend once said “It doesn’t matter where you go because your troubles always follow you.”  So, how do you know whether a dramatic shakeup or just a little dusting and cleaning is in order?  Get curious.  Ask yourself these questions:

What do I really, really not want to know right now?
What is my role in the creation of these circumstances?
Whom do I most need to forgive right now?
What is the feeling state I want to have?

To achieve a truly new beginning, it helps to know exactly where you are right now – to honestly, consciously be aware of just what’s going on and what you’re doing to contribute to the situation.  Once you’ve established a clear understanding of the circumstances, you can begin the process of unwinding the thoughts you have about them.  (Hint:  If there’s a “should,” “shouldn’t,” “can’t,” or “have to” floating around in your head, you’ve probably got some work to do.)

Learning how your attachment to limiting or unproductive thoughts is causing your desire to flee your current life/job/relationship is the beginning of transformation.  Lucky for all of us, every moment is a new opportunity to notice our thoughts, decide if they’re helpful, and choose whether to invest any energy in believing them.  Talk about the best fresh start there is!

When you dig deeper, however, you’re likely to find that you’re often telling yourself some pretty big whoppers. Do any of these ring a bell?  “I’m not thin enough.”  “I don’t make enough money.”  “I’ll never find a job I love.”  “My husband should be neater.”  “She ought to stop criticizing me.”

Lies, every last one. How do I know?  Because they’re arguments about what should or shouldn’t be the case, rather than an acknowledgment of what is.  When we tell ourselves a story about our circumstances that isn’t true, we feel like crap.  If we lie often enough, we shut down our capacity to fully experience joy and harmony. Here’s how Martha suggests we begin to examine truth on a daily basis:

• Sit quietly for 15 minutes and do nothing.
• Ask yourself:  What am I feeling?
• Ask yourself:  What hurts?
• Ask yourself:  What is the painful story I’m telling?
• Ask yourself:  Can I be sure my painful story is true?
• Ask yourself:  Is my painful story working?
• Ask yourself:  Can I think of another story that might work better?
• Treat yourself with compassion

Learning to uncover the stories you tell yourself about your circumstances is the best way to find freedom and joy. On a MUCH lighter note, here’s what she had to say to the “joy dieters”:

Gotta love Martha; she’s a hoot!

Voice #1:  Can I say that?  Will I alienate my audience?
Voice #2:  Yes, you can, and yes, you might.  And if the audience isn’t interested in you speaking your truth, they’re not your audience.

There you have it.  Being truthful and authentic is so important that saying a word/phrase that may offend is a (perceived) risk I’m willing to take.  Something told me, though, that the phrase might have a far more innocent meaning.  It turns out I was right.

According to Urban Dictionary “balls to the wall” was “originally a military term for pushing maximum G-Forces in a jet fighter aircraft, as in pushing the ball of a throttle as high up as it will go (virtually touching the wall of the dashboard).”

So what we’re really talking about here is letting it rip.  Now that that’s settled, what’s the significance of the phrase for us?

Essential Self vs. Social Self – For some readers, this is a review.  Skip this and come back in three paragraphs.  For the rest of you, here’s a brief explanation: Martha Beck coined the term “Essential Self ” (ES, for short) to describe the part of you that’s innate.  It wouldn’t matter if you were born in Timbuktu or Topeka, to rich or poor parents.  It’s the part of you that knows exactly what you’re here to do, what makes you happy, and what feels right deep in your bones.  My ES spoke as Voice #2 above.

Your Social Self (or SS) is very much a product of Timbuktu/Topeka, rich/poor, education, parenting, religion, kindergarten, frat house, chess club and any other societal influences.  It’s the part of you that knows how to navigate/fit into society.  My SS spoke as Voice #1.

Metaphorically speaking, your ES knows the direction in which to go, and the SS buys the insurance, gets the license and drives the car.  Both “selves” are important for our survival.  We run into problems, however, when the SS plays too dominant a role in our lives.  I spend a lot of my coaching time helping people re-balance their E/S mix.

What Does “Balls to the Wall” Look Like? When I think “balls,” I think of my essential nature, delighting in this earthly experience, being loving and honest, and having one helluva good time.  I wanted it in my List O’ Words this year to remind myself not to get caught up in what others think, say or do.  When I give my ES the space she needs to c’mon out and play, life gets interesting, fun and far more abundant than when I worry about what others are up to.  Some examples:

My ES told me to go to Africa, twice.  My SS worried about the money, but arranged flights after remembering the existence of a stash of frequent flyer miles.  Result:  fabulous, life-altering experiences.

My ES told me to run a workshop with a “girl in a tutu” photo (see my Events page) in its marketing materials, while my SS briefly wondered whether it tied into my branding message.  She was overruled.  Result:  a photo that makes me laugh and captures the playful feeling of the workshop.

My ES insisted I play hooky and walk across the Brooklyn Bridge with a friend whilst wearing a cowboy hat.  My SS stayed home after realizing that cowboy hats in NYC aren’t all that weird.  Result:  not a single stare, and some seriously great ideas for future workshops were developed while walking and talking on a gorgeous day.

When was the last time your Essential Self was given the attention it deserved?  C’mon, let it rip!

1.  Secrets = Missed Opportunities A friend didn’t tell her newsletter readers that her boyfriend has moved in.  Why does that matter?  As a divorce coach, there’s so much material to be mined there – talking to your kids about rules when a man moves in, navigating the ex’s feelings about your new relationship, etc.  And yet, on some level, she had a belief that if she shared the news of her happy relationship, her readers and potential clients (those contemplating or in the midst of the divorce process) might feel she couldn’t relate to them any longer.  True?  Nope.  She recently decided to tell the truth, and she’s feeling a lot better.  Her readers will gain valuable insights from her experience, too.

2.  No Secrets = Cleanliness I’m not talking about dusting, here.  I mean having a clean spirit.  As part of my coach training, I learned to clear myself of negativity, limiting beliefs, and other stuff that was getting in my way of being good coach.  It’s a daily (sometimes hourly!) practice that helps me be truly present when working with my clients, as well as lead a happy life.  For a long time, I hid from myself the secret of just how miserable I was in my former career.  I got sick, and I got fat because I kept using food to avoid the truth.

My clients have hidden their desire to be entrepreneurs, fashion designers, chefs, nurses, writers, and any number of other things because they believe they can’t make money, their families will judge them harshly, or they might fail.  They were miserable, scared, frustrated, and/or sick enough over living a lie that they called a coach.

3.  Honesty = Freedom I once had to tell my boss that I’d made a five-figure mistake, and it’d likely cost us another five figures to clean it up.  Keeping that a secret for any length of time would have cost me my job, but that’s not really why I told him about the error.  I wanted the freedom that comes when we tell it like it is.  Sure, I felt crappy for a while and it wasn’t much fun doing all the cleanup, but it was better than the alternative.  Ridding yourself of a secret is like an act of confession.  Losing the burden of a lie creates peace.

What are you hiding from yourself or others?  What’s one thing about yourself that you really don’t want to know right now?

If truth brings opportunity, a clean spirit, and freedom, why live a lie?  As a client said to me today “Courageous people aren’t fearless; they’re the ones who are scared and do it anyway.”  Be brave, and get started.  Speaking and living your truth will set you free.