Nancy was stuck for the same reasons we all get stuck:  she was trying to solve the problem in the same way she always had.  In her case, she felt that she needed to fill in the blanks in a self help book, even though it felt waaaaay too much like school for her liking and went against her creative, artistic inclinations.

So I decided to make a chart. It went like this:  5 columns, one column header called “my passion” and four called “How will I know this is happening?”  As she spoke about her passions in response to my repeating the question “How will I know when this is happening,” I typed her responses into my little chart.

And then a funny thing happened. Every column’s responses got more and more spiritual, as if they were written by someone else.  In fact, one of her responses was “Answers come through me, not from me.”  Goose bump stuff.

If you find yourself stuck in left brain model, attempting to apply a linear, rational, and logical approach to your problem, stop. Get someone else to handle the left-brained stuff for a while and just focus on the feelings – the emotions and bodily sensations – of what it’d be like to have the things you desire.   Make a vision board.  Imagine your future, successful self being interviewed by a magazine you read and enjoy – and let someone ask you questions as if you were that future self.   Ask your 80 year old future self to give you some advice.  Finger paint. Watch this video. Just don’t do what you’ve always done and expect different results.

Surprise yourself.

If you can relate, then you’re starting to get why some of your dreams haven’t come true. Yes, it sounds odd, but I respectfully request that you suspend your disbelief for just a few paragraphs and hang in there with me.

When you push too hard and ignore the signs that you’re doing so, you’re riding up the (ahem) butt of the very thing you want so much, and are likely to meet some resistance. Here are the signs that you’re a “dream tailgater”:

Your body speaks to you. Sometimes I walk too far, or stand for hours, or take on too many physical tasks in a short period of time.  When that happens, my knees “speak” to me by forcing me to stop and lie down.  While I want to keep going, my body’s got other ideas.  What signals is your body giving you?

Animals speak to you. While teaching an Arabian horse ground manners, I was applying pressure on his nose (not directly).  After a few minutes of this, he decided that I’d gotten too far up into his space and he took that beautiful nose and gave me a shove in the stomach.  He didn’t hurt me, but gave me a clear signal that I was pushing him too hard, and too fast. (He also wanted a break from “class” and wanted to play!)  How do the animals in your life show you you’re pushing too hard?

The people around you give you feedback. The political climate in Kenya coupled with a rainy season causing impassable roads has caused the postponement of a trip until June.  I love an adventure, especially if it involves Africa, so I’m getting antsy for details.  After emailing the trip’s organizer once too often, I got this reply:  “What would you have to be responsible for if you dropped this tension?”  A brilliant question, and a clear message to back off.  My relentless need for info was alienating the organizer – not exactly helping me realize a lifelong dream of combining coaching and travel, and getting paid for it.  Who’s been sending you subtle, or not so subtle, messages to back off?

So now you see it.  You’re “dream tailgating.”  Why? By focusing on the minutiae of the Kenya trip, I was trying to ignore the fact that I’m nervous about the role I’ve been asked to play in a very important effort.  By pushing my body hard to get in shape, I’m ignoring the fact that maybe it’s not meant to go that far this time.  By pushing that horse faster than he wanted to go, I stopped noticing how much I wanted to achieve “success” in our lesson. What part of your dream feels scary?  How are you projecting that fear into the world around you?

How do you back off? First, take Dan Howard’s advice and do some intentional resting.  Take a breath and say, in your mind or out loud, “I’m going to rest into my need for everything to work out quickly,” or “I’m resting into my anxiety.”  Doing this creates a pause, sort of a “comma,” in your relentlessness.

Then, ask yourself: “What would I have to be responsible for if I dropped this tension? In other words, look for the real issue behind the urgency.  Find the emotion so you can clean up the thoughts behind it.  Result:  peace, which is far more attractive (in every sense of the word) than fear.

If you’re marketing like crazy to find new clients and they’re not showing up, working to find the perfect new career and don’t have a clue what it is, soldiering on with your novel but the paragraphs won’t emerge, interviewing for jobs but not getting hired…back off!  Set clear intentions for what you want, do your part, then take a deep breath and trust that the rest will happen.

The mile markers helped, but after realizing that we were on our own to figure out how far we’d walked (see my last post) I got more and more wobbly. The German marching songs and Broadway show tunes I’d been using to make us laugh and get through the rocky descents weren’t working any more. I was huffing and puffing and quads were screaming at me to stop.

Susan kept bribing me, saying she’d do a headstand in the middle of a road, drop her drawers, and all sorts of other goofy stuff if I’d just finish climbing one more hill. In the middle of a road, next to a suburban office park, she did a headstand. So I tried to keep going. And then I cried.

Finally, I decided that this stupid hill was not going to be the end of me and I just cursed and cursed and yelled and shouted at every person and every thing that ever hurt me or pissed me off. The louder I yelled, the faster I walked. Mission accomplished. Top of hill reached. And we still weren’t finished.

And then I saw a different kind of sign: “Café – 400 meters.” I figured I had 400 meters left in me and then I’d call our driver. No amount of headstands was going to change my mind. The next sign said “Café – 200 meters.” Of course, it was uphill. I sat on a rock and Susan said she’d walk ahead to check things out while I talked to some Spanish bikers who’d stopped for a cigarette break (?).

Next thing I know, Susan, our driver, and the rest of our group was walking down the hill towards me. The café was at our stopping point for the day! I’d walked 23.8 km, and they decided to help me walk the last bit and reach my 24k goal. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to have that group show up for me in such a lovely way. And yes, I made it to the top of that last hill.

So what’s the metaphor/lesson of this particular post? Sometimes the goal’s just a little further than you can see, but it’s there. There’s no shame in stopping and resting, ever. There’s also no shame in asking for help. And man, it’s good to have friends.

I’d come to rely quite heavily on those arrows and columns, using them as motivators to keep trudging along despite the sore knees, wobbly ankles and tight lower back. The 100 km marker’s a huge milestone for many pilgrims, because they’re finally down to the “double digits” after having walked in the “triples” for so long.

On day five, our group was to walk 24km, leaving only 4.5 km for the following day. Since it was going to be the longest and most hilly part of the trek, I really wanted to check off those mile markers (okay, technically they were kilometer markers). Susan and I couldn’t wait to snap a photo of KM 9 as a souvenir of hitting the “single digits.”

We kept walking and walking but the mile markers were gone. Sure, there were columns. Lots of freakin’ columns with the shell and with the stupid yellow arrow, but where were the numbers? Gone.

Turns out, the KM markers stop at 12 because according to our guide, “pilgrims are not supposed to know how close they are. They should get excited about what they will see around the next turn.”

I was so busy looking for outward signs of progress that I started to ignore the inward signs…the sore body, the feelings of anticipation and joy of a journey well spent with friends, the grouchiness our guide warned us about, and a whole host of other thoughts and feelings that were popping up about every minute or so.

Funny thing, but the night before Susan and I had composed the beginning of a welcome letter to our next group of Re-Treat participants: “Welcome, pilgrims, to the Camino de Santiago. You may not always get all the information you want, but you’ll always have all the information you need.”

Right in front of me, next to me, and all around me, was “information.”  A good friend to carry my walking sticks when I couldn’t anymore. A beautiful sunny day. Amazing scenery everywhere I looked. It was everything I needed.

Sigh.

Our muscles are taking longer to warm up and, apparently just like others who’ve gone before us, we’re a lot grouchier about getting out of bed to walk 21 kilometers than we were on the first day of our pilgrimage.

Despite the aches and pains, the blisters and dusty trails, we’re getting stronger. Stronger in spirit, stronger in determination, and stronger in our desperation to find shortcuts. Suddenly, we’re noticing discreet little signs, nailed to trees and posted on houses…you can take a TAXI! I was so tired that I kept asking if we could just jump in a cab.

But Susan wisely saved me from myself and pushed me to walk further. She kept telling me to walk as slowly as necessary, but to keep walking through the fear that I wouldn’t finish, that the next bend would reveal a steep incline or decline, that I would hurt myself, etc.

We’ve spent a lot of time talking about the metaphorical experience we’re having. Walking moves you forward, allowing you to experience whatever’s waiting around the bend. Stopping does not. Where in your life have you stopped yourself, thinking that you’ll be better off (or safer) not knowing what’s ahead?

We get so focused on the numbers and stats.  What’s your income?  How much do you weigh?  What’s your GPA?    We focus on the easily quantifiable and use those stats to compare ourselves to others.

Out here on the Camino de Santiago, all that crap goes out the window.  You either walk or you don’t.  Sure, you can get competitive with the rest of the group but what’s the fun in that.  Someone’s always going to be ahead of you and someone’s always going to be behind of you.  So why the hell would you look at someone else?  Why not just skip the stats and smell the air instead?

But if you need to compare yourself to some fellow travelers, check out these (wait for it!):

Yesterday, I was stiff.  Despite loads of stretching, my knee wouldn’t loosen up.  I skipped the walk and stayed close to home, puttering and cleaning my office, and packing my suitcase.  By the end of the day, I was elevating and icing it, and taking prescription strength anti-inflammatory meds.

This morning, I called my Saturday Walking Buddy and bailed on our planned six mile walk.  My knee’s letting me walk, but barely.  Putting weight on it for too long is a problem.  I’m using a cane.

I thought I was paying attention to my body, but clearly I wasn’t listening hard enough.  Had I done so, I would have stretched more, stopped walking sooner and started icing sooner, too.

Why is this a big deal?  Because on Monday, I leave for Spain.  I’m off for our Re-Treat along the Camino de Santiago, where we’re supposed to walk 100km in six days.  What’s the likelihood of THAT happening now?  Crap.

Here’s a random sampling of my thoughts:

“I’m angry at myself for letting my body get so out of shape.”

“If I don’t walk the whole way, the group will think I’m pathetic.”

“Susan (my co-leader) will be disappointed in me.”

“I’ve failed before I even gave it a shot.”

“My dream is going to turn into a nightmare.”

REALLY?  Wow, have I got work to do.  It’s time to clean up these thoughts!

Is my body really out of shape?  I’ve been getting stronger each day, preparing for this walk.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to walk this far.

Can I be sure that my body won’t be ready to start the Camino next week?  I have no way of knowing what my body will be like next week, but I can certainly help it today by taking good care of it.

How do I know what the group will think of me and why would that matter, anyway?  I don’t control their thoughts, and their thoughts are not my business.

Can I be sure that not walking the Camino is a failure?  I get to define “failure,” so I’m calling this a success no matter what happens.

Will this be a nightmare?  Nope.  I’ve made a long-held dream come true – I’m headed to the Camino.

When I look at the thoughts, realize they’re just a bunch of fear and garbage and clean ‘em up, my body feels lighter.  And that can only help my knee.  Since I won’t be walking today, or doing much else, I think I’ll read some books.  Something inspirational.  Maybe about Spain.  It’ll do me good to sit still and read.  And maybe that’s what my knee wanted for me all along.

What is it about resistance?  Why do we fight the energy that brings us what we dream of?  Darned if I know, but here’s what’s helped me:

1.  Whining (oops, I mean talking) to a friend – Every now and then blurting out all my crap feels cathartic, because sometimes even a coach doesn’t want to be coached (imagine that!).  I recently called my friend Betsy and let it rip.  And she came up with a brilliant idea for publicizing our “re-treat” in Spain in a far bigger way than I would have imagined.

2.  If it feels hard, stop pushing – I’ve been pushing and pushing, and doing still more pushing, trying to make stuff come together.  And then I was exhausted.  And nothing had come together.  I slowed down, took a deep breath, and read a trashy novel.  And then I had an idea.  So I read a few magazines.  And then I had more ideas about new products and services to offer my clients.  (I’ll say more about that soon.)

3.  Look at the thoughts – When I finally slowed down long enough to notice the belief that I had to work hard, and that letting things flow was just lazy behavior, I laughed.  What was “hard” was my thinking; I’d become so rigid about how things were “supposed to” flow that I couldn’t see any other options.  It sounded so counterintuitive to “work easy” or “play hard,” when in fact that’s exactly what I suggest my clients do to find their right lives.  So, I’m taking Fridays off for the next few weeks, to work easy/play hard.

4.  Make something, anything at all – It’s been a while since I’ve made something.  Sure, I write all the time, and dream up things to do, but making something tangible, like knitting a scarf or sewing a pillow, or painting a picture…not so much.  When my clients are feeling as though nothing’s coming together, I often suggest that they go to a toy or crafts store and find a kit or supplies to make something.  One client made a placemat.  Another made an airplane from a kit.  Engaging the right side of our brains and boosting our sense of efficacy does a world of good.

As the old saying goes, “What we resist, persists.”  When we’re not engaging in battle, there is no battle.  When I stopped fighting the fact that things weren’t coming together as planned, I found much better ways to do them.  My friend Ashley loves to remind me that the universe has far bigger dreams for us than we can imagine for ourselves.  When I stop thinking that I have to have all the answers, the ones I most need show up.

So, where do you need to get over yourself?  Where are you blocking the peace (in your mind, body and spirit) that nurtures the creativity to find your right life?  Take a hint from my man, Lao Tse (see the excerpt from the Tao te Ching, below), and consider a little nothing-doing, sprinkled with some non-forcing, and maybe some creativity, and see what happens.

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added.

In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped.

Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action.

When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way.

It can’t be gained by interfering.“

EVERYONE is talking about the economy.  You can’t turn on the TV, the radio, or open a publication without seeing a story about how everything’s gone to hell, we’re all doomed, and the fact that this period is as bad as the Great Depression.  The people I speak with about this issue generally fall into one of two camps:

The Gloomy:  A friend called the other day and said (with no “hello,” mind you) “do you believe what’s happening on Wall Street?”  The remainder of our call involved his dire predictions for, the loss of real estate value, the demise of his bank and mortgage lender, the gutting of his portfolio, and basically the end of the world as we know it.  I deflected, dodged, and kept steering the conversation away from all the gloom and doom.  I believe he was disappointed when I wouldn’t join the Pity Party, so the call was (mercifully) short.

Others aren’t quite as bad as Gloomy Gus, but they’re fretting.  They fear for the loss of a job, or for their retirement funds, or for how they’re going to make the mortgage payments if a job goes away.

The Philosophical:  These folks have basically decided that there’s not much they can do but wait it out.  They take a passive approach, thinking along the lines of another friend of mine who says “When in doubt, do nothing.”

I am most definitely not Gloomy.  I’m a lot more like the Philosophical group, but with a twist:  I believe that the actions below will help guide us through this difficult period:

Be Honest – Where in your life have you been dishonest with yourself about what you need, what you spend, and how you entertain yourself?  What stories do you tell yourself about why you spend what you spend?

Be Smart – Know where your money is going.  Do you have a budget?  Do you know what your monthly expenses are?  What options do you have in order to keep yourself afloat?  Do something to ensure that you are on top of your finances.

Be Brave – Even if you’ve lost your job, your life savings, and your home, you have a choice about how you perceive the situation. I certainly don’t mean to make light of those awful situations, but who among us has not had awful periods in their lives and come out on the other side?  We are survivors, and this, too, shall pass.

Be Kind – If you’ve got a computer and are reading this newsletter, you’ve got more than many people in this world.  This type of economy is when those less fortunate feel it the most.  Charitable contributions go down.  Be the person who goes against the flow and continues to give what they can to help brighten someone else’s life.

Be Aware – While it’s a good idea to be informed about the goings-on in the world, are you glued to CNN 24/7?  Take a break from the TV and instead be aware on a different level.  Notice the abundance of blessings in your life.  Show gratitude for the many things that are right about this time.

Be an Activist – Speak up for what you believe in.  Vote.  Tell your representatives in Congress what matters to you.  It’s not time to sit back and assume they know.

Be a Student – If everything life hands us is a lesson, what can you learn from this economic turbulence?

Be Hopeful – As a friend of mine once said “we survive absolutely everything that life hands us except one thing, and that’s on the day we die.”  Since we are certain that we will die, and are totally uncertain as to the timing of that death, it is up to us to choose how we will live this life.

During this lifetime, I strive to be honest, smart, brave, kind, aware, active, studious and hopeful.  I hope you do, too

Huh?

Turns out, the programmer who’s done a great job reconfiguring and updating my site had the word “happens” stuck in her head while she was creating the metatags for this site.   She quickly corrected the problem and all should be well by tomorrow morning, after some time passes and the site “propagates” (whatever that means).

Two of my Facebook friends commented on the tagline snafu, and both made me laugh because their comments so wonderfully align with my work:

“I thought you were throwing caution to the wind and changing your tag line ‘Meh! What Does it Matter? It Happens‘,” said Dale.    While I don’t go around saying “meh” (does anyone, any more?), I do ask my clients to look at how seriously they’re taking things.  Sometimes, stuff just happens and we give it far more importance than necessary.  In other words, lightening up is a good thing.

Carrie’s reaction to the word swap was “Hey, stuff HAPPENS. It’s what you do with it that MATTERS.”  She’s right, too.  We screw up and so do others.  What we learn from our experience, how we use it to propel us forward, and the way we think about the stuff that happens will either bring us good stuff or bad stuff.

I’m choosing good stuff.  How ’bout you?