If you’re not in love with yourself, others won’t be, either.
I’m not talking about obnoxious, conceited, “I’m the best damned thing that’s happened to this planet” stuff. Ego doesn’t help here. I’m talkin’ about BEING love.

Yes, you heard me. BE love.
First, treat yourself well. You can take bubble baths and long walks in the woods, if that’s your thing. But I’m talking about self-respect. About honoring your Self. About being clear about what you need and want, and about what feels good and what doesn’t. Knowing for sure, just in this moment, what feels right to your body, heart and soul.

Then, be love. In every situation, think about how you can create it – how you can show it, not seek it. What it would feel like to do the most love-filled and compassionate thing in that moment.

Why does this matter?
Whether you’re looking for a new job or a mate, starting a business or trying to figure out what’s next in your life, a sure-fire way to move the process along is to listen to your heart. That thumping organ inside your chest is a sophisticated instrument with more “pull” than we previously knew. Turns out that the heart sends more info to the brain than the brain does to the heart.

I could get all scientific on you here, but I’d make an idiot of myself. Neurocardiology is a pretty cool field and the folks at Heart Math are doing lots of research about heart coherence. Check them out if you need data to support what I’m saying, and I’ll stick to talking about what my gut knows: when we move through the world as loving beings, when we’re clear and honest and filled with love and appreciation in our hearts, we’re awfully compelling. When we’re fearful and negative, worried or combative, we’re not.

Pretty simple. You decide.
Here’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it: Love always wins.

We get so focused on the numbers and stats.  What’s your income?  How much do you weigh?  What’s your GPA?    We focus on the easily quantifiable and use those stats to compare ourselves to others.

Out here on the Camino de Santiago, all that crap goes out the window.  You either walk or you don’t.  Sure, you can get competitive with the rest of the group but what’s the fun in that.  Someone’s always going to be ahead of you and someone’s always going to be behind of you.  So why the hell would you look at someone else?  Why not just skip the stats and smell the air instead?

But if you need to compare yourself to some fellow travelers, check out these (wait for it!):

• My knees are arthritic and I won’t make it.
• I won’t be able to keep up with the group.
• This is going to be too complicated (logistically).
• Who’d sign up for a retreat in Europe when I live in the U.S. and Susan lives in Dubai, anyway?

So, of course, we’re hosting a retreat in Europe. The logistics have been amazingly easy, 11 people have already expressed interest, and I’ve started walking daily to get in shape.  My knees are achy and my back’s a bit sore but so far, so good.  On this morning’s walk, longer and steeper than yesterday’s, I thought about how I’d come to find myself huffing and puffing away on hilly Christoper Lane.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #1 – About three years ago, I told a friend that I’m meant to run adventure retreats around the world.  I didn’t know how I’d do it, but I’ve always pictured a group of people with me as we explore new places and discover ourselves in the process.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #2 – A year ago, I mentioned to Susan and our friends that I’ve always known I’m meant to do some kind of walking pilgrimage.  My bookshelves are filled with books about people’s walks through the world.  Our South African friend, Boyd, said “Chris, what about the Camino?”  I filed that suggestion away.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #3 - Back in March, I was telling Susan  I wanted to find a good experiential workshop.  She’d just taken a class with Dr. David Berceli and was hooked on TRE work.  As she described the Tension Releasing Exercises process, I checked out the website.  Turned out (Coincidence? I think not!) David was running a workshop 8 miles from my home the next weekend.  I attended and got hooked, too.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #4 – Two weeks ago, I helped my cousin pack up her house for her move to North Carolina.  She kept giving me odds and ends she thought I could use, including a $10 gift card to Eastern Mountain Sports.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #5 – Last week, I went to EMS to check out walking poles.  (I figure I can use all the help I can get to support my knees.)  And, of course, they were on sale at 30% off.  With the aforementioned gift card, I spent half of what it would normally have cost.  The poles now stand next to my desk, reminding me to continue moving forward and waiting to be used on the Camino de Santiago in Spain this September.

So what’s the point of this story?- Sometimes, despite the fact that we have no idea how, with whom, or when our dreams will happen, unseen forces conspire to help pull things together.  The next time you’re feeling defeated, thinking you’ll never figure out how to make what’s next what matters in your life, just remember that there are very likely unknown blessings and messages on their way to you, too.

And if you happen to see me walking along Christopher Lane, do me a favor and give me a ride to the top of the hill!

Leadership 101 - I’ve been waiting for others to help me feel less overwhelmed by all the items on my to do list.  Funny thing, though -  I haven’t asked anyone for help!  Instead of waiting for someone to offer it, ask for it.  Asking doesn’t make you stupid, incompetent or vulnerable; it makes you a leader who takes charge of her life.  “Duh” Moment #1:  If you’re not clear about what you want, you’re not going to get it.

Phoning it In – One of the reasons this newsletter’s so late is because I didn’t set aside any time to write it.  My schedule was crammed with too many items because I was unrealistic about how much I can get done in a day. I often “phoned it in,” forcing myself to write when I wasn’t inspired, rather than owning up to the fact that I was tired and needed a break.  Sound familiar? Duh Moment #2:  A rested brain is a creative brain.

Jerry Seinfeld’s Sage Advice – At the Live Your Best Life Weekend in NYC, Oprah told us she was complaining to Jerry Seinfeld about how tired she was because her life was controlling her.  (Coincidence that I remember this?  I think not!)  Jerry’s response was (and I paraphrase) “I don’t get it.  It’s yours to control.”  Duh Moment #3:  I am in control of my own life.

“My Name is Chris, and I’m an Overscheduler” – Since the first step to real change is admitting you’ve got a problem, I’ve said it.  I’m now committed to not over-commit. I will hereby create a schedule that allows room for creative response to what’s at hand, and to replenish my energy. “Duh” Moment #4:  If you don’t ensure that your activities align with the vision for your Right Life, no one will.

Let There Be Peace on Earth, and Let it Begin With Me – I was  reminded of how profound these lyrics are when I saw Desmond Tutu tell Craig Ferguson “We wouldn’t know what it was to be human without other humans…Our humanity is dependent on the existence of other humans.”  And so, my friends, is our peace.  When I’m tired and grouchy, expecting help without asking, and focusing on all the wrong things, there is no peace in my world and there’s no peace to share with others. “Duh” Moment #5:  If I’m not at peace, others suffer.  If we’re all not at peace, the world suffers.

If you’re not sure how to begin the next chapter of your life and career, look for the places where you’re not at peace.  Don’t know what those areas are?  Click here for a worksheet to help you get started. (and if the link doesn’t work, email me!)

Eve Ensler said “Consider what would happen if security were not the point of our existence. That we find freedom, aliveness and power not from what contains, locates or protects us, but from what dissolves, reveals and expands us.” I believe that both truth and love in all its forms do exactly that – dissolve, reveal and expand us.  (It’s also a great definition of the coaching process.)

Dissolving:  There’s so much talk about love in our culture. The phrase “I love…” peppers our speech, and we’re told we’re not “complete” without a romantic relationship. This month, you can’t walk through a store without seeing hearts everywhere. While it’d be nice to have a romantic relationship, it wasn’t until I dissolved the belief that life was incomplete without a man that I noticed the abundance of love that’s already around me.

Revealing:  Here are some of the ways that love revealed itself to me this past month:

• friends who sent cards, emails, fudge and brownies, and others who cooked, cleaned and ran errands while I recuperated from surgery

• a mom who made sure I never bent, stretched or twisted, all while cooking up a storm in my kitchen

• a cat who wouldn’t leave my side as I rested

• the folks at the bank and bagel store, asking my mom to convey their good wishes

• people who held doors for me as I slooowly made my way toward them

• a desire to get back to work, because I love what I do for a living and it makes me really happy to help others find the love in their lives

Expanding:  Over the last year or so, I’ve made a conscious decision to look for love in every situation. The choice to expand my definition of love from the romantic to the ordinary has helped to anchor me in the present moment, aware of what’s truly happening. I ask myself how I can both see and bring love and appreciation into the moment. Some situations are harder than others, but when I can remember to look for the love, life gets a lot easier and more fun, too.

So, what the heck does all this love business have to do with finding your right life and career? Everything. In the past six weeks, four of my clients have found jobs. Each was discouraged, sick of the long slog that her job search had become. So, we focused on what they loved to do and dream about doing before they die.

One focused on voiceover training. Another, on being around art. Another, on adding color into her life and her home’s walls. One saved pennies, sold jewelry and consigned clothing to pay for classes. Another went to any and all art-related events that were free. And another made inexpensive purchases to enhance her home. Small steps toward love led to more curiosity and love of their own lives, and with the focus off how to make a living, they each found work. Martha Beck would tell you that they found work because “love sells better than hate.” When they focused on what they loved, they became more interesting people, and who doesn’t want to hire interesting people?

Just as in a grand romance, we often expect our lives to be filled with this huge flame of passion and inspiration, when often our loves sneak up on us with the smallest and steadiest of flames. I often tell clients that discovering your right life often looks less like a bonfire and more like a stove’s pilot light. It’s the small, constant warmth that sustains and nurtures us.

I’ll leave you with this quote from Martha: “The ultimate lesson of regret, the one that will help guide you into a rich and satisfying future, is this: Every time life brings you to a crossroads, from the tiniest to the most immense, go toward love, not away from fear.”

Dreams unleashed, obstacles overcome, hilarity ensued.

Now, it’s your turn.  Comment on this thread, and let’s have some fun.

Grief is a funny thing.  (Funny “strange,” not funny “ha ha.”)  We assume that it comes after the death of a loved one which, of course, it does.  We might allow ourselves to mourn the passing of an era, such as the transition that occurs when kids go off to college, or maybe even the day we realize we’ll never fit into those jeans from when we were in college, but that’s about it.

I believe that grief covers much broader territory.  Here’s a peek at what went on during my recent conversations (with names and some details changed to keep things confidential):

• Jane is close to her goal of relocating internationally, something she’s worked on for over a year now.  Suddenly, she’s afraid to go.  What if she doesn’t like it there, comes back, and can’t find work or a place to live?

• Susan lost her husband and after cooking for just one person, having no one to come home to, and figuring out the logistics of life alone, she’s wondering why she made the decision not to live closer to family and friends down South.  Should she abandon her now-thriving business and move?

• Alison made a daring career move and is now wondering if she should have stuck with her same-old, day in/day out job that was sucking the life out of her.

• Mary is looking at new job opportunities, and is feeling paralyzed with indecision about her next step, despite knowing very clearly what type of work she does not want (the flip side of what she does want).

• Ellen, the bariatric surgery survivor, never thought about a life without comfort food in big portions.

• Nancy wonders why family and friends can’t keep up with her as she moves towards her right life.

Each of these women is grieving the loss of a piece of her former life.  As they move towards creating new lives for themselves, they experience what Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star, calls “change-back attacks.”  Basically, a change-back attack occurs when either people or situations arise to make you wonder if you’re nuts for making changes in your life.  They’re the ultimate test, making you question the soundness of your decision-making, and they usually occur far enough along in the change process that “the devil you knew” starts to look awfully good.  The closer you get to your right life, the more tests in the form of issues, problems, grouchy loved ones, etc. will show up.

I’m certainly not exempt from bouts of uncertainty and looking for signs that I should have stayed in Corporate America.  When I wasn’t sure I had what it takes to be an entrepreneur, a wise friend said “don’t quit before the miracle.”  I didn’t, and now, when those lingering doubts and change-back attacks occur, I take a deep breath, remind myself that I’m being tested, and usually either a new client or a check arrives at my door within 48 hours.

Change-back attacks are what separate the women from the girls (to paraphrase an oft-used expression about men and boys).  When they start to occur, many people give up.  If you’re facing change-back attacks in your own life, congratulations!  It means you’re on the way to something truly delicious.

Recognizing a change-back attack, honoring where you’ve been, mourning the loss of a part of your life that no longer suits you, and then bravely moving forward will bring you ever closer to the live you were meant to live.

In each case, I could have held onto the first part of those stories – flat tire, ran out of gas, etc. – but what helped me cope was the fact that in each case the scenario could have been so much worse.  I could have been on the side of a highway, stuck in an unsafe area, or far from available help or resources when each of these things happened.

I could cite examples about my health, career, and relationships as well, but I think you get the point:  my choice in how to think about the situations allowed me to experience less suffering.  Sounds fairly grand, using the word “suffering,” but let’s examine this a bit further.

My friend Betsy urged me to read Dr. Richard Wiseman’s The Luck Factor:  How to Increase Luck in Your Life.  Wiseman conducted years of interviews and experiments with over 400 volunteers and came up with an interesting conclusion:  luck is something that can be learned.

He determined the Four Essential Principles of Luck:

Creating Chance Opportunities – According to Wiseman, “lucky people create, notice and act upon the chance opportunities in their lives.”  They build and maintain what Wiseman calls a strong “network of luck,” meeting a large number of people and developing relationships with them.  A relaxed attitude towards life gives lucky people an edge, too.  Being calm and relaxed helps lucky folks notice opportunities more than those who are anxious and neurotic.  They’re also more likely to create novelty in their lives, welcoming new experiences.

Feeling Lucky – Wiseman says “lucky people make successful decisions by using their intuition and gut feelings.”  They listen to their “inner voice” and consider what it’s trying to tell them.

Thinking Lucky – “Lucky people’s expectations about the future help them fulfill their dreams and ambitions,” says Wiseman.  They “expect their good luck to continue in the future.”

Denying Fate – Wiseman’s Principle Four says “Lucky people are able to transform their bad luck into good fortune.”  Turns out, I’ve been employing this principle all along, as described earlier.

Want to be a lucky duck?  Work on the following:

• building and maintaining relationships
• being relaxed and calm
• being open to new experiences in your life
• listening to your hunches
• using techniques such as meditation to boost your intuition
• assuming interactions with others will be positive
• not dwelling on ill fortune

Funny…haven’t I been writing about these activities in my newsletter all along?  My clients would tell you we work on these activities in our work together, too.  Dr. Wiseman’s a smart guy!

As I drove away from the cemetary, I thought about all the things on my List.  You know, The List.  Some people call it a Bucket List, or a Someday List, or a Dreams List.  It’s the one where you put down the things that you’d love to do but seem ridiculously hard or scary or financially impossible or impractical to do right now.

And then I thought about how I really don’t want to leave this planet with a lot undone.  If my mission is to help people live lives filled with passion and joy, I’d better be doing so myself.  Since one of my items is to own a ranch with horses on it, I figure I’d better get started by being around horses and learning to ride them.  I reached out to both of my friends who are horse whisperers (nope, I’m not making that up) and asked them if they’d take some time to teach me.  Both said yes.  I’ll be in Pennsylvania soon, learning the basics.  And Arizona will follow this winter.    I’ll let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, what can YOU do to take small steps toward those big dreams?  The only thing that we know for sure is that we’ve got THIS moment.  We’ve got no clue when the moments will run out.  Sobering, yes.  Motivating, definitely – if you want it to be!

So, who are your people?  Take a sec to make a list of names.  I’ll be here.

Good.  Now, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are they honest with you and can you be honest with them?
2. Are they supportive of who you are and who you’re becoming?
3. Do you truly enjoy being with them?
4. Are they generally positive people?
5. Do you have plenty to talk about with them?
6. Would you count on them to be there for you during those “dark nights of the soul” and would you be there for them?

If you answered yes to each question, hang onto these folks!  If some no’s crept in, it’s time to reconsider why these people are in your life.

So, why are they?  What do you get out of keeping them near?  Are you hanging on out of loyalty, or simply because you’ve known one another for a long time?

I’m certainly not advocating that you dump all of your friends or family, but if you’re sticking around out of misplaced guilt, loyalty, or avoidance of a confrontation, you’re not serving your (or their) greatest or highest good.

Caroline Myss says that we “evolve at the rate of the tribe that we are plugged into.”   When I look at my tribe, I’m amazed and delighted by each and every face.  And grateful, too.

It wasn’t always this way.  In fact, the faces of my tribe are quite different than they were just a few short years ago.  I wrote about this a while ago in a piece I called “Empty Elevators.”  Below is an excerpt from that piece:

“It reminded me of the ‘empty elevator,’ a term coined by Martha Beck.  She says ‘It’s the period when you are climbing from one level of life satisfaction to a higher one, leaving behind any relationship with people who disagree with the change you are making.  The good news is that the empty elevator always drops you off in a new place with new people who are living the life you dreamed about.’

Sometimes, the elevator-emptying isn’t obvious or dramatic.  While there’s the occasional falling out with someone, where you agree to go your separate ways, it’s often more of a drifting away, until only the holiday card is written, or you can’t remember the last time you spoke with so-and-so.  There have been periods where my life has felt more devoid of good friends than I would like, and there have fortunately been more periods of great abundance.  I’m learning to be very grateful for the lonelier times, because they have more to teach me.

Elevator-emptying is a necessary part of growth and change.  As we become more of who we’re meant to be, we often shed possessions, stories, wardrobes, beliefs, traditions, behaviors, and yes, even people.  While in some cases it might feel sad to think of those we don’t see any longer, there’s always the opportunity to connect with those who better fit with the people we’ve become.  And, sometimes, we find ways to re-kindle a connection, as I suspect I could do with someone I saw today.  Even if it doesn’t happen, I’m grateful to have talked with people who were important to me a long time ago, because they reminded me of where I’ve been and where I’m headed, and I’ll hold the memory of their smiles wherever I go.”